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I have lost My Dear Father.......... .. .... ..  . . .  .    .         .          .                            .

Harry Rossar Young Jr.
June 22, 1938 ~ June 21, 2017…
Tarot Deck 1 (Major Arcana).

           I have completed Tarot Deck 1. It consists of 23 cards. The first 22 being the major arcana. The 23rd card being a signed and numbered info card. There is also a business card and sticker included, all kept in a custom stamped cloth bag. This release is limited to 30 decks. I plan to post them for sale on Etsy very soon. As that happens, I will update here with a link to purchase. I was extremely excited to make this happen. Cheers! WY
Garbage Pail Kids/Box 55 winner has been drawn !   

Michael Boyajian of Waltham, MA. Congrats!!! You will receive your GPK box with included packs for Halloween!!!

Box 55 up for grabs on Garbage Pail Kids World website drawing !

My Garbage Pail Kids box (Box #55) is in a drawing from September 1st to September 30 on two website's linked below. You may enter the drawing by messaging them your name and address. The drawing will take place at the end of the month and the box will be gifted to the name drawn. I am happy to be apart of this cool 30th anniversary surprise and wish everyone much luck. This box turned out very nice and will have a pack from every series over this last thirty years (except the 1st series 1985). In the mean time, check out the GPK websites. There is a huge amount of information on there and I visit them often to look into my collections or just plan want to read cool fact about the culture phenomenon or see the latest news. Thanks and cheers !

Barren Arron's Garbage Pail Kids World:

Garbage Pail Kids World: Definitive Source:…


SIS 101. Fallout. 12 1999~1 2000. +#
SIS 102. Southern Inception. 6 2000. +=
SIS 103. Garmonbozia (S. Inception Remix’s). 7~8 2001. +^
SIS 104. Spontaneous Combustion: A. 9 2002. +=
SIS 105. Spontaneous Combustion: B. 9 2002. +=
SIS 106. Time. . . 10 2002. +=
SIS 107. . . .And Time Again. 11 2002. +=
SIS 108. Shock Corridor: Early Versions. 12 02~1 03. +#
SIS 109. Shock Corridor. 1~2 2003. +#
SIS 110. Counter Clockwise. 6 2003. +#~=
SIS 111. Spirited Away. 5~7 2003. +
SIS 112. Giration. 12 2003. +
SIS 113. An Unlikely Event. 3 2004. +#
SIS 114. Contractions. 9 2007. +~<
SIS 115. Confinement. 2 2008. +#~
SIS 116. Womb Sieve I. 6~8 2008. +~
SIS 117. Womb Sieve II. 8 2008. +~
SIS 118. Soundtrack For The Blind (Alone At Sea). 9 2008. +~
SIS 119. Hertz. 10~11 2008. +~
SIS 120. A Toast To Madness. 11 2008. + ~
SIS 121. Mobius Transformation. 4 2011. +`%
SIS 122. Arming My Heart Keeper. 6~8 2011. +
SIS 123. Time Stranger. 8~10 2011. +%
SIS 124. From The Edge (Remix’s). 10 2011. +
SIS 125. Natural Selection. 10 2011. +~
SIS 126. Etymology. 8~9 2012. +#*

Compilation Releases:
Of Spectre’s & Saints II. 2 Cd (Comp). 9-2010. Elseproduct29. US. Digi. Lmt to 77.+~
Muslimgauze: From The Edge. Deluxe Edition. 2 Cd (Comp). 11-2011. TMPS 10. CA. Lmt to 500.+
23 Seconds Ov Time Volume 7: Within Thee Cross Ov Chaos. 6-2013. 23SOTV7. UK. MP3 Download.+

Wesleyoung. +
Caleb McCall. #
Christopher Rowell. =
Jonathan Agent. ~
Justin Headrick. `
Grant Hiers. <
Charlie Martineau. %
Jesse Peper.*
Christina Salter. ^


Deciduous Flux
SIS 201. The Splendor Of Chaos. Feb~Mar 2011.+*
SIS 202. At Enormous Depths. Apr 2011.+*
SIS 203. When Death Comes Ripping. Apr 2011.+*
SIS 204. Timeserver. May 2011.+*
SIS 205. A Surviving Trace. May 2011.+*
SIS 206. Dreams Of The Pistol Whipped. Jul 2011.+*>
SIS 207. The Stresses Of Atmospheres. Sep~Oct 2011.+*
SIS 208. The Planet Of The Crossing. Dec 2011~Jan 2012.+*>
SIS 209. Deciduous Flux. CD 1. (Raw Recordings). Jan 2012.+*
SIS 210. Deciduous Flux. CD 2. (Early Version). Apr 2012.+*-
SIS 211. Deciduous Flux. CD 3 (Final Versions). May 2012.+*-
SIS 212. Creature Of Habit. May 2012.+*>
SIS 213. Mysteries Of The Dark Woods. Jun 2012.+*
SIS 214. Seperated At Some Distance. Jun 2012.+*
SIS 215. Plenum. Jun 2012.+*
SIS 216. Pastiche Lustral. Jun 2012. Oct 2012. +*
SIS 217. Apr~May 2013. +*
SIS 218. Jun 2013. +*/
SIS 219. 1-4. May 2014. +*@. 5-8. Jul 2014. +*”
SIS 220. 1-8. Jul~Aug. 2014. +*
SIS 221. Jupiter. Early Mix. Aug 2014. +*
SIS 222. Jupiter. Alternate Mix. Sept~Oct 2014. +*
SIS 223. Jupiter. Final Mix. Sep~Oct 2014. +*

Deciduous Flux. (Self Titled). CD. 12-12-2012. SIS 06. US. Lmt to 500.+*
Un Festin Sagital. Deimos. 10-24-2013. BH-72. US. Lmt to 100.

Compilation Releases.
23 Seconds Ov Time Volume 7: Within Thee Cross Ov Chaos. 6-2013. 23SOTV7. UK. MP3 Download.+* 

Deciduous Flux.
Wesleyoung. +
Jesse Peper. *

Edward Ka-Spel.-
John Peper. @
Shelley Peper. “
Tina Peper. >


Shamanic Invocation Studio’s.

SIS 01. Deciduous Flux. Year 1 Comp. 2012. US. #ed lmt to 50.+*
SIS 02. Wesleyoung. 2002~2012. Comp. 2012. US. #ed lmt to 50.+
SIS 03. Behavior. 2003~2011. Comp 3 of 3. WY+JA Sessions. 2012. US. #ed lmt to 50.+~
SIS 04. Behavior. 2000~2003. Comp 2 of 3. WY+CR Sessions. 2012. US. #ed lmt to 50.+=#~
SIS 05. Behavior. 1999~2008. Comp 1 of 3. WY+CM Sessions. 2012. US. #ed lmt to 50.+#~
SIS 06. Deciduous Flux. (Self Titled). 2012. US. Lmt to 500. +*-
SIS 07. Icedagaz. 2008 ~ 2012. Comp. 2014. US. #ed lmt to 50. *
SIS 08. Deciduous Flux. Lunar Tickings. (In Progress). +*SIS 101. Fallout. 12 1999~1 2000. +#

SIS 102. Southern Inception. 6 2000. +=
SIS 103. Garmonbozia (S. Inception Remix’s). 7~8 2001. +^
SIS 104. Spontaneous Combustion: A. 9 2002. +=
SIS 105. Spontaneous Combustion: B. 9 2002. +=
SIS 106. Time. . . 10 2002. +=
SIS 107. . . .And Time Again. 11 2002. +=
SIS 108. Shock Corridor: Early Versions. 12 02~1 03. +#
SIS 109. Shock Corridor. 1~2 2003. +#
SIS 110. Counter Clockwise. 6 2003. +#~=
SIS 111. Spirited Away. 5~7 2003. +
SIS 112. Giration. 12 2003. +
SIS 113. An Unlikely Event. 3 2004. +#
SIS 114. Contractions. 9 2007. +~<
SIS 115. Confinement. 2 2008. +#~
SIS 116. Womb Sieve I. 6~8 2008. +~
SIS 117. Womb Sieve II. 8 2008. +~
SIS 118. Soundtrack For The Blind (Alone At Sea). 9 2008. +~
SIS 119. Hertz. 10~11 2008. +~
SIS 120. A Toast To Madness. 11 2008. + ~
SIS 121. Mobius Transformation. 4 2011. +`%
SIS 122. Arming My Heart Keeper. 6~8 2011. +
SIS 123. Time Stranger. 8~10 2011. +%
SIS 124. From The Edge (Remix’s). 10 2011. +
SIS 125. Natural Selection. 10 2011. +~
SIS 126. Etymology. 8~9 2012. +#*

SIS 201. The Splendor Of Chaos. Feb~Mar 2011.+*
SIS 202. At Enormous Depths. Apr 2011.+*
SIS 203. When Death Comes Ripping. Apr 2011.+*
SIS 204. Timeserver. May 2011.+*
SIS 205. A Surviving Trace. May 2011.+*
SIS 206. Dreams Of The Pistol Whipped. Jul 2011.+*>
SIS 207. The Stresses Of Atmospheres. Sep~Oct 2011.+*
SIS 208. The Planet Of The Crossing. Dec 2011~Jan 2012.+*>
SIS 209. Deciduous Flux. CD 1. (Raw Recordings). Jan 2012.+*
SIS 210. Deciduous Flux. CD 2. (Early Version). Apr 2012.+*-
SIS 211. Deciduous Flux. CD 3 (Final Versions). May 2012.+*-
SIS 212. Creature Of Habit. May 2012.+*>
SIS 213. Mysteries Of The Dark Woods. Jun 2012.+*
SIS 214. Seperated At Some Distance. Jun 2012.+*
SIS 215. Plenum. June 2012.+*
SIS 216. Pastiche Lustral. Jun 2012. Oct 2012. +*
SIS 217. Apr~May 2013. +*
SIS 218. Jun 2013. +*/
SIS 219. 1-4. May 2014. +*@. 5-8. Jul 2014. +*”
SIS 220. 1-8. Jul~Aug. 2014. +*
SIS 221. Jupiter. Early Mix. Aug 2014. +*
SIS 222. Jupiter. Alternate Mix. Sept~Oct 2014. +*
SIS 223. Jupiter. Final Mix. Sep~Oct 2014. +*

Behavior/Wesleyoung. Links.

Behavior: Bandcamp. In process.

Behavior: Discogs.…

Behavior/Wesleyoung: Youtube.…

Wesleyoung: Discogs.…

Wesleyoung: Audio.

Wesleyoung: Visual.

Wesleyoung: Facebook.


Deciduous Flux. Links.

Deciduous Flux: Discogs.…

Deciduous Flux: Bandcamp.…

Deciduous Flux: Soundcloud.

Deciduous Flux: Facebook.…

Deciduous Flux: Myspace.

Wesleyoung: See above.

Jesse Peper: Visual.

Jesse Peper: Discogs.…

Shamanic Invocation Studio’s: Discogs.…


Film By Hannah Morgan: Skin Deep.

There is a new music release out today by the band Un Festin Sagital. It is a very limited cassette tape release of only 100 copies out by California based label Black Horizons. The album is titled "Deimos". I composed a piece and Un Festin Sagital worked their magic with it. It appears on this release as track three and is titled "Deimos" as well. It should also be mentioned that the artwork used here is of Jesse Peper's Shadow Folk series in which I had modeled for. It turned out to be a beautiful release and I will add a link below where the cassette may be purchased. A wonderful project to have been apart of. A big thank you to Michel. Cheers.


Un Festin Sagital: Deimos. (Limited to 100 cassette):…

{1993 ~ 2013} Celebrating the 20th Anniversary of my writings.


 July 13, 2013

"World Of Wonder"


What a life

what a life

we have. . .

what a world of wonder

we build our masts

chart our course for plunder

and with the first sign of thunder

we cower to our caves

life is but an illusion

a little flesh, a little pulse

and a lot of insecurity

where does purity go to

when the heart and its innocence

have begun to fade away

what of the spirit

when the body must go the other way

my eyes, they try to see

this path where they must go

and within a fraction of a moment

of this time in which we live

I never wanted to take

yet only wanted to give

and it is because

of all these crazy emotions

that I did my best to live.



October 17, 2013

"?Love. . ?=? . . Faith?"

I had begun my journey at sea

where I could peer into the depths

and see a dark reflection of me

I realized quite quick of my minds dirty trick

to block out and push away

all those who offer me their heart

never sure just where to start

but always certain where to end

preparing to send a message in a bottle

to all those lovers and friends

with my ship, my vessel, my emotions, and pestle

I shoved off,


There is something about the moon

while floating way out here

that comforts the soul, the spirit

a filler for the holes that we have created

those emotions so cruelly exaggerated

it is said "no man is an island"

but what of the moon to the earth

what of my mind to my flesh

a push from the wind then reminds me

the impact direct from cause and effect

there simply must be a point to this thing called love

although I have never been able to find it,


Days, weeks, months go by

where I was left at the mercy of the sea

I had fought, I would plea

for all of the answers to the questions within me

while here I lay beaten and broken

as the waters had left me near death

I awoke to a vision with a gasp for breath

which struck chills deep down to the bone

and I knew at that instant that I'd never return home

in a few moments time I would strike land

never would I be the same man

as a dark black sun arose over the hill,


It's this terrible feeling deep down in my heart

that reminds me of the hue of that sun so dark

I thought to myself, what is this strange place

am I the only one to ever occupy this space

I have journeyed so far, navigated by stars

I searched the constellations, with shaman and guru I sparred

only to walk away with nothing fulfilled

all of the nothing that no one had willed

working to produce a spine in my back

not an imitation but something exact

I was not in search of a beautiful story

nor some conquest of ridiculous glory,


I was on a mission to find myself

and I had already searched every corner of this earth

was I still alive, would I get the heart to work

they say there is a universe within, well that's where I've been

way deep down with the blessings and the sins

losing a lover is like the death of a friend

having to kill them off with inside your head

learning to live without that person you care so much about

dark on the bottom of the infinite abyss

I care for you all so much more than this

one must prepare one's self. . .

for that final stretch of the journey,


All above me clapped with the sound of thunder

and the ground beneath me would tremble and quake

followed by a terrible brooding sound

of some enormous being being tossed all around

and then there it was as I laid my eyes apon it

there lay a mirror in which I could see myself on it

I could see a hideous beastly monster, just the man I that I had become

one must be careful when killing ones enemy when ones enemy may be ones self

then I understood all at once this vision I had had on this night

all of these things that have scarred me may have made me who I am today

but now I will learn to let go of it all for a renewed me to take its place

I will shed my flesh and those memories of old


 to preserve myself and my love for you.



October 17, 2013

"Untitled 22"


Every time the phone rings

my heart drops 

because I think it will be you

oh my God, my heart hurts

because it so deeply misses you

can you not tell me that you love me

because it is all I want to hear

could I have destroyed all this

so easy

I have said some stupid things

and I never want to say them again

you are my heart

my very best friend

and I am slowly dying here

without you

feeling as though I have lost you

I am searching for that blinking light

that beacon

that will lead me back to you.


October 24, 2013

"Like No Other"


I am just a man

another name

another number

I am just a man

born of father

born of mother

I was born a man

not the sister

but the brother

I destroy man

like a plague

like no other.


November 6, 2013

“Untitled 23”


What is it about people

what is it about me and you

that I despise so much

what is it that makes me feel this way

what makes us fuck up

lie, cheat, and steal

ruin all that is good and real

are we just so stupid

or do we just choose to ignore

I have been thinking about it all my life

and I have come to a conclusion

we are all idiots in our own little delusions

sometimes. . . I revel in it

and sometimes it makes me sick

like poking shit with a stick

I am not trying to be an ass here

I just feel like I understand all of us

oh so very clear

history bares witness to what we were

in recent times I have bared witness to what we are

and it takes no fool to know exactly where it is

we are headed

with this said

what kind of ill thoughts does one have

while pondering these words through their head

and what of me. . . Your author

I am just all one big mess I must confess

but feel a hell of a lot better

getting that load off my chest.

August 27, 2014

“Untitled 24”

There is a hole in me

where all that I care about used to be

like a lung losing it’s air

losing all the need and the care

to breathe

I have been living an illusion

a granger of delusions

feeding me what I want to see

all is not what it seems

a new feeling of dying each day

I am searching for a way to beat you

for I can not jump for you

and I need so much more than this

so I stand here in blind fold


and you may fire when ready.

February 11, 2015

"Untitled 25"

Black vinyl
slippery as if wet
slithering along side me...
every space around me
a rabbits hole
where the owl rests in good company
for a smoke and a wink
memories of faces
of that dimming revolution
the leaves were orange
the leaves are red
when the rain comes
I will lose myself
and give myself to the stars
I want to remember you now
just like you were
just like you are
by the light of the moon
there is a river in flow
with a lifetime of images
shadow play
do you. . . can you remember
the tolling of the bell
dark clouds and haunted waves
those were the days
when I slipped into the well
no where to be found
I sounded the call
a cold blue hue
with a shimmering light.


Copyright Owned. Wesleyoung 1993-2014.


A Deciduous Flux & Behavior track appear on a new music compilation. The release is titled "23 Seconds Ov Time Volume 7: Within Thee Cross Ov Chaos". The first track (14:57~15:20) is an unheard segment of "Conjuring The Shades" which appeared on the self-titled Deciduous Flux album that was released just six months ago featuring Edward Ka-Spel. This segment was prior to Edward's Contribution. The second track (15:43~16:05) is a segment of a new Behavior recording. This release can be downloaded free at the link I am providing below. It is an interesting project as well as concept. There are no plans at this moment for the project to be released on cd but I am hoping that will change in the coming months. As well as downloading the album for free, please take a moment to consider making a donation of any size to help support the company who puts out these interesting projects.

Headphones are highly recommended for the best enjoyment of this release.

Link for free Download:…

I felt I would post this for archive purposes. New post for music project "Deciduous Flux" should follow very soon. Cheers.



1) Debbie Gibson. Bronx. 1989. Biloxi, MS.

2) Skid Row. Pantera. 12-31-1991. New Orleans, LA.

3) Kansas. Foghat. Molly Hatchet. Georgia Satellites. 10-16-1993. Biloxi, MS.

4) Smashing Pumpkins. Red Red Meat. 4-8-1994. Biloxi, MS. This was the night Kurt Cobain of Nirvana's body was found. SP played a long dedication of Drain You.

5) Pantera. Sepultura. 8-3-1994. New Orleans, LA.

6) Danzig. Godflesh. Type O Negative. 11-21-1994. New Orleans, LA.

7) DJ Dan. 10-18-1996. New Orleans, LA.

8) CPR Fest: Seven Mary Three. 3 Doors Down. Aisle 9. Vallejio, Cowboy Mouth. Tube. Case Choice. Chalk Farm. Slump. Treehouse. Sister Hazel. 5-24-1997. Biloxi, MS.

9) Pantera. Anthrax. Soylent Green. Coal Chamber. 12-7-1997. Biloxi, MS.

10) Vallejio. Dead Eye Dick. 1997. Biloxi, MS.

11) 3 Doors Down. Aisle 9. Biloxi. Batnicks. Luna Sol. Slump. Gridlock. Guzzo. Mind Train. Level With The Ground. 7-11-1998. Biloxi MS. California Tattoo Studio put this show on and I did body piercing for them at this time. Had V.I.P. for the show.

12) Slaughter. Huckleberry. 1998. Biloxi, MS.

13) Napalm Death. 1999. Ft. Collins, CO.

14) Ministry. Atari Teenage Riot. 60 Second Wipe Out. 8-13-1999. Denver, CO.

*Other. Impressionism. 10-24-1999. Denver Art Museum. Denver, CO.

15) Spitfire Tour: Krist Novoselic. Perry Farrell. Michael Franti. Exene Cervanka. Kennedy of Mtv. 11-10-1999. Denver, CO. Met Krist of Nirvana at this show.

16) The Legendary Pink Dots. Origami Galaktika. Nicoletta Stephanz. 10-21-2002. New Orleans, LA. This was the night I first met the Legendary Pink Dots.

17) The Legendary Pink Dots. Origami Galaktika. Nicoletta Stephanz. 11-9-2002. Denver, CO. Met up with the band for these two shows as well as met Benny of "Origami Galaktika" and Nicoletta of "Coven Of One".

18) The Legendary Pink Dots. Origami Galaktika. Nicoletta Stephanz. 11-10-2002. Denver, CO.

19) Ministry. Nothing Face. Lollipop Lust Kill. Motograter. 4-3-2003. Denver, CO.

20) Iron Maiden. Dio. Motorhead. 8-20-2003. Denver, CO.

21) Edward Ka-Spel w/ The Silverman. Coven Of One. Orbit Service. 10-07-2003. Denver, CO. Met up with the band for this show & every other after.

*Other. El Greco to Picasso. 11-15-2003. Denver Art Museum. Denver, CO.

22) Skinny Puppy. Tweeker. 6-29-2004. Denver, CO.

23) The Legendary Pink Dots. Orbit Service. 7-02-2004. Denver, CO. Gave the Silverman an art box and Edward an old medallion to celebrate their 50th birthdays.

24) Ministry. My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult. 9-17-2004. Denver, CO.

25) Skinny Puppy. Otto Von Schirach. 11-23-2004.

26) Front 242. 11-12-2005. Denver, CO.

27) Ministry. Revolting Cocks w/ Jello Biafra (Dead Kennedy's). 5-12-2006. Denver, CO. Left this show black and blue.

28) Obituary. Dead To Fall. Nicaraguan Death Squad. To Be Eaten. 5-20-2006. Denver, CO.

29) The Legendary Pink Dots. Orbit Service. Munly. 6-10-2006. Denver, CO. Gave the entire band of the Legendary Pink Dots art box's to celebrate their 25th anniversary.

30) Front Line Assembly. 6-11-2006. Denver, CO.

31) KMFDM. Combichrist. Death Stars. 9-29-2006. Denver, CO.

32) Front Line Assembly. 5-13-2007.

33) Skinny Puppy. 5-30-2007. Denver, CO. Also attended a signing with Ogre.

34) Combichrist. 8-28-2007. Denver, CO.

35) Danzig. Gorgeous Frankenstein. HorrorPops. 11-7-2007. Denver, CO. Also featured a surprise set of the "Misfits" with guest, Doyle of the original misfits.

36) Ministry. Meshuggah. 4-12-2008. Denver, CO. W/guest Burton C. Bell of Fear Factory. Had V.I.P. for this show and met everyone.

37) Kraftwerk. 4-23-2008. Denver, CO.

38) Roger Waters/Dark Side Of The Moon. 4-30-2008. Denver, CO.

39) The Legendary Pink Dots. 10-21-2008. Denver, CO.

40) Danzig. Dimmu Borgir. Moonspell. Winds Of Plague. Skeletonwitch. 11-1-2008. Denver, CO. Got a cool azz high five from Danzig. "Hey, I was excited".

41) Ohgr. American Memory Project. 11-27-2008. Denver, CO. Also went to a signing.

*Other. William Kentridge Exibit. 3-26-2009. San Fran Museum of Modern Art. CA.

42) Nurse With Wound. 3-26-2009. San Francisco, CA. Met Steven Stapleton.

*Other) Went to a KMFDM signing. 10-9-2009. Denver, CO.

43) Bonnie Prince Billy. w/guest Cheyenne Mize. 4-5-2009. Denver, CO.

44) Nine Inch Nails. Jane's Addiction. Street Sweeper Social Club. 5-26-2009. Denver, CO.

45) Cannibal Corpse. Slayer. Killswitch Engage. Bullet For My Valentine. Trivium. All That Remains. God Forbid. Behemeth. The Black Dahlia Murder. WhiteChapel. Job For A Cowboy. Marilyn Manson. Switchpin. 7-19-2009. Denver, CO.

46) Butthole Surfers. Psychic Ill's. Circle # Dot. 10-09-2009. Denver, CO. Broke my ribs from my sternum at this show.

47) Skinny Puppy. Otto Von Schirach. 11-07-2009. Denver, CO.

48) Cannibal Corpse. 1349. Skeletonwitch. Lecherous Nocturne. 5-03-2010. Denver, CO. Met Cannibal Corpse. Also gave the band an art box which appears on the bands "Global Evisceration" dvd.

49) The Legendary Pink Dots. Munly and the Lupercalians. 10-19-2010. Denver, CO.

50) Download. Plateau. Dead Voices On Air. Gnome & Spybey. Not Breathing. 1-19-             2011. Denver, CO. Hung out with Dave of "Not Breathing" while in town.

51) Meat Beat Manifesto. Not Breathing. 2-15-2011. Denver, CO. Hung out with Dave of "Not Breathing" while in town.

52) Behemeth. Watain. The Devil's Blood. In Solitude. Nightbringer. 4-17-2012. Denver, CO. Met and hung out with "In Solitude". Gave my custom zippo to the voice of "The Devil's Blood".

53) Opeth. Mastodon. Ghost. 4-23-2012. Denver, CO.

54) Biosphere & Lustmord: Trinity. 4-28-2012. Boulder, CO. Met B. Lustmord.

55) Edward Ka-Spel & The Silverman. 5-18-2012. Denver, CO.

56) Edward Ka-Spel & The Silverman. 5-19-2012. Denver, CO. Met up to discuss Deciduous Flux cd release.

57) Umberto. Scammers. Strange Powers. 5-28-2013. Denver, CO. Met Matt Hill/Umberto.

58) Goblin, Secret Chiefs 3. 10-15-2013. Denver, CO.

59) Watain. In Solitude. Tribulation. 10-18-2013. Denver, CO.

60) Ozomatli Performing with The Colorado Symphony Orchestra. 12-7-2013. Denver, CO.
61) Keb' Mo' Band. 1-4-2015. Boulder, CO.
62) Lon Milo Duquette. 6-28-2015. Arvada, CO.

63) Psychic TV. 12-11-2015. Denver, CO.



It should be noted that these are shows I have attended and not shows I have performed.








Skin Deep.

                 I was asked to play a part in a very short student film created here in Colorado. It is titled Skin Deep and by Director Hannah Morgan. At the last minute the actor had backed out and so I was asked in their place. I am quite a hermit and normally have no intrest in doing such a thing but the project was fun and so there you go. I am adding a link below where it can be viewed. Cheers. Wesleyoung

Skin Deep:
I am in process of setting up a discogs page where an in depth amount of info will soon be posted on all of the music projects I have been involved with since 1999. This will include bio's, all releases on cd, etc. I am eager to accomplish this as I am OCD and it will be nice to make amends where needed on the history of Behavior & Deciduous Flux. As well bring to light the latest material thats become available for consumption. I am droping links below where the information will soon appear. Cheers. WY

Deciduous Flux:…
Wesley Young:…
Deciduous Flux. A music project between fellow artist Jesse Peper and I have an album that has just been released. This album also has a very special guest, Edward Ka-Spel of The Legendary Pink Dots. Edward has musical and lyrical contributions on the entire project. The only words I can use to explain this eclectic audio/visual experiment is "Magical".  I believe the finished product does well in sending the listener to the same place, feelings/state of mind as was experienced by ourselves when in the creative process. Edward's appearance here is superb and a huge thank you is due. I am immensely proud of the collaborative visuals Jesse and I put together for the release as well. There has been a limited run of 500 professionally pressed cd's in jewel cases each individually shrink wrapped. I will be posting a link below where the item may be purchased as well as a link where you may purchase directly from the Legendary Pink Dots webstore, for all those ordering from across Europe and abroad. A Happy Holiday's to all. Cheers. Wesleyoung

Beta-Lactam Records (US).…

The Legendary Pink Dots (Outside US)15.00 euro:…
Deciduous Flux

Deciduous Flux began channeling energies through recordings early 2011 in Denver Colorado. It is the ongoing creative collaboration between Wesleyoung and Jesse Peper. Wesleyoung, a visual artist and also the founder and proprietor of a collective abstract underground sound project known as Behavior. Jesse Peper is primarily a painter, but has also performed and/or recorded with Not Breathing, Waltedtful, Legerdemain and Icedagaz. Deciduous Flux was originally conceived a few years earlier than this as a visual collaboration between both artists which resulted in a series of large paintings. During the Development of these artworks many conversations often led to the discussion on the medium of sound, as both of us have always kept a love for the craft of sound.

At this time we have been recording a year and a half resulting in 12 full recording sessions. Much of this material is in production and will be released to the public within the coming months. Our recording process is quite different than the usual conventional  approaches on what music is "seen as" or "supposed to be" to the world. On one hand we are obsessed on the opiates of oblivion and we are recording constantly for no outcome other than for our own meditation purposes, for achieving various states and documenting them through the recording process. This, within itself, is an intoxicating pre-procedural agent for what follows! Largely our aim is to capture these otherworldly trans-dimensional expressions or bleed-throughs with the proper elements to perform the divine inductions, invocations and evocations etc, through the methods of our ritual. The tradition we naturally adopt is more akin to that of the shaman than it is to modern modalities of thinking. We recognize the spirit-forms or energies around us to guide us within appropriate directions according to our will and desire.

On another hand, at times we see our process fall into a method which we have described as automatic recordings, similar to some degree in the approach of automatic drawings only using sounds rather than images as the medium with which to explore, amass and create our impressions on the hanging space of time. Within the Deciduous Flux is like a painting with sounds. A rich palette of sound to create and stimulate visions both from externally and internally. Each byproduct of the recordings presents an invocation of elements which create metaphysical vortexes to other dimensions with which the listener can also gain access to if the desire to do so exists.

Note: We have just completed a set of recordings with Edward Ka-Spel of the Legendary Pink Dots. They will be released in a limited edition of 500 on cd. They are being pressed as we speak and will be released on or around Christmas 2012. Links will be posted where they can be bought here in the states through and will be avaliable for purchase overseas from Edward direct. Details and pic's will follow very shortly as well. Cheers.
Some news involving my Game Boy mod's: A unique little site here on the web by the name of Kitsch Bent, which is all to do with game boy modding has some of my game boy's, etc up for sale. I see a few have sold already. I love this wonderful site. It was my friends interest in 8bit/chip tunes with his very cool music project "IcedagaZ" that started my obsession back into handheld heaven. Some other very interesting news came to me as well. Henson Studio's of the Jim Henson company (Labyrinth, Dark Crystal, The Muppets) approached my friend at Kitsch Bent about getting, not software recreations but authentic chip sounds into their Henson Recording Studio's. In the end a donation was made in the form of a modded Game Boy DMG-01 (Classic original) to the studio and the housing chosen was one that I had designed and painted (Concept 8). To hear this is a huge honour for me as I am a huge fan of Henson Studios especially for such releases by them as "Mirrormask". A movie I must recommend. To know that an approaching movie project of theirs could have some sounds on it made from our (Kitsch Bent & I) game boy is quite humbling to say the least. A big thank you to Kitsch Bent. I'll be dropping a link below where you can check out this cool site so that you can start modding your own game boy as well as a link to "IcedagaZ" take a listen. A weird coinsidence is that Jim Henson and I myself are both from Mississippi. I guess it is a small world.

Kitsch Bent:



Info into the world of 8bit/chip tunes:

I (as Behavior) have two tracks on the new Muslimgauze re-issue, "From The Edge-Deluxe Edition", a 2cd release with gorgeous Papyrus covers hand made and printed in Egypt all boxed within a super jewel box. As with the past releases, Always a nice unique quality release with The Muslimgauze Preservation society & Fathom Distribution. Featuring some great artists like Chris & Cosey (Formerly from Throbbing Gristle) and Faust, to name a few (not to mention a poster inside by the man, the artist, the ninja Jesse Peper). Muslimgauze/Bryn Jones is one of the most influential bands/musicians on myself. To be apart of this special release is quite an honour. A big thank you to Ibrahim at Fathom. This beautiful 2cd set will be avaliable for a limited time as it is a limited art edition of only 500. I am dropping a link below where the cd's can be purchased. Cheers!












Behavior, a music project that I have been active with now for some twelve years has appeared on a cd release on the ElseProduct label. A special 2cd project to be released on Halloween 2010. The release is entitled "Of Spectre's And Saint's II" and is themed to the mysterious shadow people. The artwork covering this beautiful release is by renowned artist Jesse Peper. It comes with a special booklet containing many themed illustrations as well as writings on the subject by the artist himself. I am very please to have a track on each disc of this compilation as well as was invited to make the special wood art box releases for the artists involved. Many great artists such as Black Sun Productions, Icedagaz (Jesse Peper), Esperik Glare, 3Z13, Surface Hoar, & Adam Stalker take part here. I have posted a link below where this item may be purchased. A huge thank you to ElseProduct. Cheers


Behavior: on soundcloud
It appears that one of my many box's has shown it's face in the new dvd out by the death metal band CANNIBAL CORPSE, Entitled GLOBAL EVISCERATION. A small amount of time is spent by their lead singer George "CorpseGrinder" Fisher explaining the box. All of this I found to be pretty cool as I am a pretty huge fan of Cannibal Corpse. I am adding a link below where the dvd can be purchased. A nice odyssey of the groups adventures on the road as well as kick ass live footage from around the world. A huge THANK YOU to Cannibal Corpse. Cheers. Wesleyoung

Cannibal Corpse: Global Evisceration at Metal Blade Records:…

Cannibal Corpse: Global Evisceration Preview:

March 13, 2003

 "A Moment Of Silence"

way down where some people go
as the sins piled up
and the flame
it grows and grows
sometimes you just feel so tired
and you can't wait just to go...
to sleep
deep into the nothingness
the place where peace and rest
are found

the run, it begins
in desperate need
a struggle that thins
within the burning of the knees
which I so often
try to repent on
the thieves and their caravan recede

a growth and two little girls
that light up my life
a touch to a soul that is so...
very old inside
I will try
and then I will try harder
to light up those beautiful blue eyes
nothing else could make me this high

does anyone out there see what is around you?
don't you see the grey that replaces the color
when those faces become passionate less
bloodless... lifeless...
and then we must rebegin
does anyone hear the terror in an animal's screams?
not the seams that create the canvas
of those who consider themselves righteous and set
themselves aside...
we all hide
from death

we must reach back... way back
from the light which we are from
that simple flicker
that simple wind that effects us
we are all linked to one another
this mother earth
this father
of us and our daily bread
no one ever said or wrote
that it was easy
to live

if we could march to the heart
as we do to the beat of the drums of war
I would give myself up just to know
that you are ok.

December 31, 2003

"A Fable For Lilith"

Those beautiful wind chimes in the wind
those beautiful endings in the end
the jump of the heart
in your chest
it makes the rest of those worries go away
a rainy day in Norway
no way can you leave this
in only a minor way could I imagine this
because I have never been there
but the end
i've never been there either
on my way
a single letter can change a word
a single word can change a letter
and words my dear girl are so powerful
an original signal in a world of mass production
absinthe of reality
I look back and I miss you
little Lilith
touch this tone my dear girl
and know that I love you.

October 9, 2004

"The Rest Of Your Life"

I look at you
and I see myself
I stare at what we are
and I fear myself

I run from you and I hide form myself
I scream in horror
and in mirrors... I see myself
hiding is hard
for the rest of your life
a child is like a robot
they only want to believe in themselves

life sure asks a lot
and yet leaves Camelot waiting at the finish line
only wasted away for tears

all these years
to find that dreams are not real
all these years
to try and understand how to be or feel

and I still haven't figured this out
this way we rub each other out.

January 5, 2005

"Untitled" 2

It is hard knowing you have lost your soul mate
and no matter what you say or do
or how hard you try
it's just to late
to turn back the hands of time

I cry and I suffer
slowly dying from a broken heart
just what kind of a thing is love these days
when it's the death of the only part
of us that we seemed to share together

oh, how ignorant we were to not have let go
of those things that meant nothing
slowly dying because half of me is missing
those feelings that flow through your body
not when making love but only kissing

why could we not have reconciled
for us, ......, and our new born child
I am slowly dying of a broken heart
and still what is this part that just will not let me let go

this I feel I may never know
but that must be love.

March 3, 2005

"Dearest Mother"

There is in no way
any other
that could replace you
we are all close
with our sisters
and our brothers
but never could something come so close
to eyes full of tears
from just a picture of your mother
a love that is by far unique
a feeling where descriptive words
remain bleak
from an innocent child
to a thief and a sneak
and back again
her heart only hurts
but it never turns its back
but only tries to lend a hand
you have touched my life
and were so unselfish to have created it
I could never have had a greater example
yet only I was allowed to sample
and witness greatness in this woman
if ever there was an omen sent to me
it was here
in the footsteps of my mother

I will always love you.

March 15, 2005

"Just One last goodbye From The Heart"

I draw pictures...
thinking of you
I create music...
about you
I gaze at beautiful things
and I wonder just how you would see them
through your eyes...

like being in love
with a ghost
a void that can never be filled
like a kid again
hot off the heels of love
I paint pretty pictures and smiles for you
because I know that is how you would like it
all of this on fond memories
but at night
at bedtime... sometimes
all alone this little boy cries
for those he misses.

April 11, 2005


In this world of so much hidden
I find myself getting lost in the great mystery
but in soul
and in the world to come
I will look down upon you
like a giant tree
and see the light in your eyes
and you will light up my heart
with love
through this I will live forever
through this
I hope that always in some form or manner
a part of us
will remain together
I love you.

May 10, 2005

"Untitled" 3

Days like these
these emotions
giving me the power
for motion to cross all oceans
I just get freaking pissed
I missed the good emotions when they were passed out
but this is no reason to count me out
I'll put out...
all the amps you need
like knocking the brains out of a crack head
I just can't stand them
worthless trash
like a blackhead on the ass of life
but I'm trying
I'm trying to be better
whether or not it works
we'll just have to weather
two faced son of a bitches
blah, blah, blah, blah
nothing but shit escapes their mouths
I have sincerely no doubt
that my nose itches
stitches maybe?
yes, but that's not the way I like to win
death is the great equalizer
faith, the great provider
the great divider
so as the recluse
I simply must reduse
the weight of my anchor
in this world

I hate what we have become
and I am tortured by demons.

May 26, 2005

"Untitled" 4

This world is such a place
I gaze at an image
and shed a grin
how long then
has it been
since this moment in time was frozen
what time has passed
since this all came to be

I was swimming in a stream
everything felt so unnatural
something... like a dream
but my feelings unlike the dream, were quite sharp
the sky grew very dark
however, focusing my view of the stars
what time has passed?
since our first landing... here on earth

I have shed my skin
I have become
I will stretch my wings to create a giant shadow
to hasten the light in my eyes
a start, a new beginning
a metamorphosis
a surrender.

May 31, 2005

"Untitled" 5

I am happy
I am ok
I am rounding 28
I am young
I feel
I smile
I get lonely
I get anxious
I am a widow
I am an old grouch
I am a ghost
I am surreal
but I am for real
I have hurt people
I have made people happy
I have two little girls
I miss them
I live for them
I don't know why else i'd live here and now
in this shit hole
surrounded by these assholes
I am crazy
I am sometimes a little lazy
I like TV a little
I create things
I have destroyed things
God thought me out very well
I mean, imagine me president
I'd scare myself
I like cats
I like mountains
I like rivers
they give me comfort
but nothing like the comfort of the hole I live in

I am a recluse
I don't understand people's modern motives
I can't grasp my world now
when it is so quickly being destroyed around me
I smile
I like rain
I wish it could cleanse all the mistakes that I
...have made
I am eccentric
small things mean a lot to me
it is happening
will you be there?
without eye movement the body would seem so hollow
without difference a heart can seem dead
without an opened mind! are we?
sometimes I love this world
I have been blessed
may the orange and purple leaves shower upon me
I am dying
but after all, I am only human.

July 22, 2005


Oh... Dear God
the misery and the woe
I do not know
if I will survive this one
from the large lump in my throat
to the helpless feelings inside
it's just getting to damn hard to hide
if I had the courage
id rip these insides out
a dizzy, nauseous stench consumes me

and I just may not have the courage to save me...
... this time.

May 1, 2007

"Show Me a Sign"

I am selfish
because I am lost?
and cannot find my way?
what words do I have to use
to say I love you
what words do I have to say
to lead you back to me

why must I wait
when I long for you
why must I hesitate
to create a world just for you
must I say goodbye
to the kisses
and the whispers

nibble on my ear
and send ecstasy down my spine
our hearts entwined
I still release
a message in a bottle
and long that one day
it will find you

please find me.

June 3, 2007


I see you
watching... following me from room to room
when I look up upon the sun
and see the son
I know I am staring you directly in the eyes
you are right next to me
during my most intimate of moments
you stand there and laugh... mocking me
when I am lonely and crying for someone to hold
I cannot see you but I know you are there
when I hide in my most secret of places
I see you have already found me
I see you
watching...waiting for me
as clocks tick
as time moves forward
as others die and fall around me
as memories fade away from me
I know I am staring you directly in the eyes
you are right next to me
others do not
but I see you
only I am grinning back


June 12, 2007

"The Misshapen Circle" Or "The Origin Of The Heart"

A shape of what once was perfect
time has misshapen you and left you untrue
a circle in writhe
just where does the heart reside?
where do you hide within us

thirty years I have spent
in and out of your grasp
only left gasping for a most needed breath
what so pushed down at your center north
so pulled at your south pole
and how does this create holes within us

are you the nausea when I am scarred
are you the desire when I lust
do you not let me let go
of those I still relive moments with
are you the rage, are you the helplessness
and why do I still love all of you

the heart has destroyed me
and has built me back up again
to see the wonders of life
to experience the beauty
of suffering
learning to master something
I never asked for

the locust plague roses
one horseman now rides among us
but much is left to be done
and all from histories desires of the heart.

June 16, 2007


I pour out my soul
for the world to see
my world
my own being
all that I was
all that I am
and all that I will be
I just want you to see
why I love you all so very much
it hurts to watch you
fade away
it tears my stomach into
to let you go
I just did not know
what else I could do
my heart hurts for the world
and all of its people
I wish I could take it all away
and feed you
comfort you
give you the rest that you long for
I had to shut the door upon you
I am so sorry
I just cannot see you suffer
I in my world
tainted... polluted
a blister on the lips of cupid
all that I was
all that I am
and all that I will be
I long to take you home.

June 22, 2007


I walked away from home
warm blankets
the shimmer of light dancing from the fire
I walked away
purpose, thought, compassion
love, expression
where the parts come together and meet
weighed against a feather
I respect a woman in a veil
one who hides their secret precious soul in purity
eyes no longer feeding lust
a lotus, a poppy
man is an animal
and hell is here and now
but then a cello
a violin, a clarinet
all these things begin to sing to me
and my feelings focus
we all are a part of each other
and this seal I hold in my hand
is now broken...

I hear a trumpet sound.

June 24, 2007

"Written In Stone"

All the lights are out
darkness that is black
so black
it has produced a shine
coming from the light suffering in my soul
the whole world asleep
within the ground
completely no sounds
except the ones in my ear
not used to not being able to hear

the earth barren now
an entire desert
a place of mourning
where have all the whales gone
I cannot hear them singing to me
where are all of the trees
the sounds of the wind blowing through the leaves
where have the living went to
and why have I been left behind
I tried to be good
I really never meant to hurt anyone

I still remember
the sun, the moon and the stars
even though they are gone
I still feel the wounds
now replaced by the scars
I was meant to be all alone
it was written in stone
I remember reading it
in a near death experience
I will remember you all... forever
I love you and take care.

June 28, 2007

"Take Your Next Right"

Life has no pain
when there is nothing to lose
hit cruise
wait for the fork in the road
life is a commode
so take your right
right choice, wrong answer
you just may be infected with cancer
Santa, Satan
all these deities
the Easter bunny!?
what the fuck?!
this town needs an enema.

July 2, 2007

"Complete Nothing"

I am a complete nothing
and I have accomplished just that
all of this you see
all of this you hear
you can not feel
and so
it means nothing
worthless... pointless
even created
from nothing.

July 11, 2007


yet still I hold you close to me
to my hole
that once contained my heart
my soul
I love you with all of this part of me
that remains
I cannot begin
to begin letting go
of what remains
my outer shell is dying
and I cannot seem to slough
what must one do
when preparing for this fall
take a hand
or take a foot
but never walk a day
in my shoes
I choose
or have chosen
to lose the love of those around me
I let go
while they still loved me
so I would never let you down
or ever let you go
for there is something about me
that you simply have to know

you will never see me again.

July 12, 2007

"Untitled" 6

Why do I hide so much inside
velvet red petals
the beauty of insignificance
soft blue aroma
smoke of a kettle
the fragrance of pleasure
your eyes capture me
A storm is coming
the sun falls and then so
the moon rises
will another heart capture me
with just a smile
sink its teeth into me
the mystery of your beautiful heart
charges me
the way you smiled and looked away
an arrow to the heart.

July 12, 2007


I dream
of another world
another place
a space for you and I
to not exist
a place with no time
where feelings are not allowed
and mystery
shroud each and every one of us
where no one is special
but everyone is welcome
a place of no questions
where somthingness does not exist
and nothingness
sometimes leaves me pissed
a place where there is nothing
I feel the need to resist
a fist raised
where no flag or race
separate us
where we all come together
as one
a single sphere
a circle
a sun
where we all run
on a single heartbeat
where no one lost
and everyone won.

July 18, 2007

"History Repeats Itself"

A celebration
in life
a celebration
in death
we spend our life running
hiding from that day
yet as soon as we are born
we are dying
stop crying for their leaving
and celebrate their becoming
we hold on to too many things here
idols all around us
pull the wool from your eyes
and take a real look at what is around you
and a good look
at just who and what you really are
learn from the scars
because soon this time of ours
will simply
be history.

July 31, 2007

"The Arrival"

Doomed... destined
to destroy myself
I am a monster inside
huge and insane
an entire race of rage inside of me
evil spirits dance around me
chanting hateful things
cursing me
doing immoral things
ugly things
there is a beauty to insanity
but oh how it hurts inside of me
and oh how I grow so tired
of the burden
I hold the black sun upon my back
the arrival.

August 6 ,2007

"Grant Me A Place"

My fingers glide across your lips
as love slips within us
a heavy breath
kiss me, kiss me
with your lips
open your heart for me
grant me a place
for this mind to rest
I lay my heavy head
upon your breast
in your arms
I nestle
no longer needing to wrestle
with the world around me
does anyone
have that someone
this day in time
and if so
why can I not find
an unconditional heart.

August 8, 2007

'"A World At Play"

A world at play
yet a world away
here I am sitting
shinning my shoes
sharpening my smile
just a few miles left
of this world that has kept
so much from me
filigree hates and worries
cleaning right off
I'll be getting off
at the next stop please
but of course the world will tease me
and offer me treats
to distract my wary mind to change the direction
of these feet
but I have become strong
and calloused
all those years of misery
all those years of woe
I learned to hang on
but now I can let go
and who really knows
just where this spirit will go
well I know
I have seen it
I have been there
I know.

August 14, 2007

"The Fallen"

My dearest father
I come to you with a heavy heart
and I come to you
with a heavy head
like being
and thinking
like those around me
but instead
I am so different
my feelings so intense
yet I cannot grasp the most simple of things
although I like being alone
I so very miss each and every one of you
I cannot change what I may have said
and I cannot change what I may have done
but I ask you all to forgive me
for being my father's son.

August 22, 2007

"Sixth Sense"

One black bird
one black hare
one dark view
one cold stare

two full feet
the length of two hands
two full arms
two lets stand

three whole lives
three times failed
tried three other occasions
three sets of stairs

four destinations
four lost directions
four good attempts
at mind disection

five whole years
five worlds away
I reach out to five hearts
and five hearts run astray

sixth sense.

August 27, 2007

"Untitled" 7

A long time coming
a wait
to hesitate
would cancel out fate
perfectly executed
slain in the name
of it's father
and I am no one
just another man's son
a pun...
in a black place
a candle is burning
and the light of that candle
is the light of my spirit
clumsily I waste away.

August 30, 2007

"The Curse Of Man"

Oh father of waters
I hear your call
and I respond
I escape the bondage
of this modern culture of death
I come to you
God's beauty has blessed your soils and forests
we cut into the earth's flesh with our roads
we pound its body
we cover its breathing with our concrete
I will not retreat
from pulling down this flag
that stands in your way of peace
oh father time
oh mother earth
forgive us of our ignorance
forgive me in my rebellion
a bit of hell rests within me
and I aim to expel it
I just tell it like it is
your spirit lives on
and when I am gone
who will fight
to save you...

no one
the curse of man.

September 11, 2007

"Where The Innocence was Lost"

Life is a funny thing
no other such a game
has ever been
nor ever will be
stripped of my seed
left to suffer
for such little deeds
where here
does a balance begin
what is tucked away
deep within us
that makes us do the things we do
say the things we say
what of the feelings
when I find myself missing you all
what of it all... really
when we are dead and gone
did it ever mean
anything at all?
or did we learn this
one day at recess
one day out at play
where the innocence became lost
and the lust
began our wasting away.

September 18, 2007

"One And The Same"

has transformed me
changed me
the direction of my heart
my art
consumes me
a simple reflection
of days that have passed
I will never grasp
but will never forget
what I ounce was
nor where I am from
and the time you all existed
within my heart
a dissection of my art
and the same
I tried to tame my love for you
to no avail
I miss you all.

September 18, 2007


I am so very pleased to meet you
I have been so eager to greet you
in this over emotional way
that I have become so good at
a way that opens myself
and prepares for the sound
of bombs hitting the ground
getting the world prepared for me
I wouldn't want to shock anyone
whilst you are having your fun
but not everyone is quite like you
in fact
we have nothing in common
a common mistake these days

September 19, 2007


Life is a journey
a spirit yearning
for its freedom
from this body of flesh
sometimes I get tired
and sometimes I feel so alone
the feelings of loss
missing from home
all the miles I have flown
yet here I am
just a man
sometimes feeling like a little boy
a toy
for those around me...
well, didn't I fit the part
did my creations, my art
take you to where it was that you wanted to go
I am not an angel
I am not special
I am nothing
and that somehow makes me feel like something
just know
you are with me
where ever it is that I go.

October 22, 2007

"Untitled" 8

My heart
a pulse... my rhythm
sentimental something's
perforating into being
when listening
my eyes are seeing
a place not of this world
yes my world is right here
my thought propels
but no one steers
just in for the ride
and I have nothing to hide
but beware
I am my own worst enemy.

October 24, 2007

"Rain From The Heavens"

Today there was rain...
rain from the heavens
the wind pushing upon the bamboo
chiming out a tune
clouds rolling over the grassy hills
our giant friends today
everything natural has a spirit
and oh, how we must embrace it
but what do I know?
I am alien here.

October 25, 2007


To touch,

so very much runs through me
to touch
to hold
to feel
what else makes one
feel more real
I remember your tender lips
to hold your hips
to not hide
oh, how your kiss made me feel
warm and crazy inside
your flesh with its feel and its smell
how it felt so good
how it hurt so bad
how it put me
through this sort of hell

I can no longer seem to tell
where it is
that I am going
I am embedding my feelings
in cold steel
in an attempt to seal out the bad
and in doing all this
I am making others sad
within a sphere
in time and space
I will walk away from this place
I will conquer fear
oh, dear little angel
I see your precious smile
and simply cannot hold back the tears.

October 29, 2007

"Fall away"

When I have used every word
when I repeat myself over and over again
when I exhaust myself with my own self
what then... to awake in the morning
and do it all again
there are moments where the line I walk
begins to thin
I kind of just smile...and give me grin
when within, I am crying
some sort of slow dying
a process where something is prying
to get in... or out

I am the great mystery, the great nothing
my work is witness to our behavior
I await our savior
where all time will fall away
and I will show him these things
the lust, desire, and greed
the animals we have abused
where our wants became our needs
how humanity became almost obsolete
where everything sacred became relics beneath our feet
where self respect had no meaning or value
a time when the human body is nothing more
than just a piece of meat.

November 1, 2007

"To Not Feel Human"

Burn myself
to smell the skin
the cross that I am branding
for dispelling the sin
I am up
and around the bend
an excuse
whatever makes me feel
not like a man (human)
because I can.

November 14, 2007

"Untitled" 9

I stand before a field of many
and A glow alights
among the darkness of night
a lotus blossom
smiles at my grinning face
the first time for a feel of comfort
of someone within my inner space
an innocence through pain and suffering
here I float in a thought
that I ought not
but it makes me truly happy
and you my beautiful lotus
how you shimmer under the moon and the stars
I may never be by your side
but please allow me to sigh
for the relief I receive
from the honesty of your mind
you are the first I have seen
of our kind.

November 15, 2007

"Without Words"

I write this letter to you
but not for you
I mean...not for your eyes
but for your heart
I have never had a thing to give
but my art
which is merely a fraction
a small part
of this huge emotion
I would love to hide me
but my common sense is beside me
I hurt inside my heart
and I will never find the parts
that have left me empty
I will never see you
I will never hold you
but that... is all ok
just as long as we may laugh and talk
and stir that spirit inside me
thank you.

November 26, 2007

"The Smell Of Sweet Little Memories"

I am reaching for the sky
nothing there, I need to hide
eyes wide
come for me
I spread my wings..
begin to fly
lift me
raise me
up beyond the clouds
shroud me with your wonder
as we plunder space and time
my face is only a mask
and my mask is only nothing
it is deep within my heart
whatever that is?
Where I hold my sweet little somethings.

December 5, 2007

"A Myth"

I've become so very tired
so very hardened
my everything expired
my mind
well, he's been retired
pass me the screwdriver
and that pair of pliers
i'll tighten those loose screws and bolts
add a few volts
and I'll be ready to go
I just don't know
how much longer this heart
is going to hold together
I so hope so
I long to fall in love
the myth...
you know.

December 10, 2009

"A Tree For Thee"

I have painted a tree for thee
and oh, how beautiful it has risen to be
reds, and gold's, and all
I so hope that you will like it
and ponder upon hanging it upon your wall
an honor it would be
so that a part of me
can exist, within your world
I think of a fountain and a tree.

December 29, 2007

"Pouring Pigments"

gold is feeding me
and with an appetite I do eat
when he no longer feeds me
I will lie back and sleep
as he commands
awaiting his call
for then I will awake
with a wealth of color
and paint heaven and all.

January 7, 2009

"Untitled" 10

The things we do
and the things we say
I am quite unsure why we act this way
a bit like night and day
a sadness...or a madness
in a world so hard to show an act of kindness
leaving me with a blank expression
a blindness that I do not see myself
a time when an act of giving
is taken as an act of receiving
a place where common sense becomes vague
a type of emotional plague
that is sure to bring me down
isn't there a new, different sort of town
where I may hang my hat
where I may rest my heavy head
a place where I can fall asleep
the moment I hit the bed
a moment in time that can be all mine
a place where feelings do not die
but live on forever
an image that defies all time.

January 31, 2008

"Within Myself"

The war being fought within myself
a short shelf life
a series of events
and not a single bit of hints
have made a bit of sense to me
I endure and I hold back
I do all that I can to keep this engine on its tracks
and despite all of the facts
none of you ever really knew me
because I didn't even know myself
a short shelf life...
but just a reminder
I figured it all out.

February 17, 2008

"A True Story"

Something very old
very dark...very evil
exists deep within me
it tugs at my hope
and it sneers with all of my laughter
a burden... a struggle
I fight every day, a war within me
there are those who do not believe in evil
but I know this not to be true
for it is me and it is you
oh, mighty spirit of light
deliver us from this darkness
open our eyes to what is around us
open your very heart
and with your love deliver us up
I will carry this burden
and I will conquer it
because I refuse to be enslaved.

May 13, 2008

"Untitled" 11

The temple it grows
and exceeds in size
a pyramid of hope
a blessing in disguise
growth, triggered by ambition
and hell...
I just wanna go fishin'.

May 20, 2008

"Untitled" 12

I cannot get back what I have lost
I cannot hold on to what I have
and I will never understand just what I am.

May 29, 2008


I will die
and I will be scared
and I will float away from here
bliss will catch and embrace me
but here I am
in a mirror
and I see the things that I have done
I see so much more
so much clearer.

June 7, 2008

"I Do Not Belong Here"

I am all alone sitting here at home
must everyone I know or have ever known
kill others within their mind
have killed someone in battle
or have killed an unborn child
I am not trying to make a big deal
I am just trying to get out that way that I feel
we have become a culture of death
and to put it simply
I never can seem to get a real breath
I do not like it here anymore
I do not like the people , the whores
I do not like the stores
these wars against human freedom
I am ready to step away from here
but just how is not yet clear
I may have a touch of regret
I may have an ounce of fear
but just as long as my decision
takes me far away from here.

December 25, 2008

"Untitled" 13

I am a utensil
as needed as all the rest
a spork for feeding
the filth to all the best
a vessel for my heart
whatever that is
I know I care.... just prefer to do alone
because I seem to not understand
any of you
humans I mean
I wouldn't want to single anyone out
you see people, sanity is in a drought
and I just seem to spout ignorance
to all ears that will hear me
so here it is in writing
here it is in words
we are fucking up our world you see
and that is why I have anxiety
fun and highs don't take it away
I don't care what you're made of
I don't give a damn if you're straight or gay
our consciousness has got to change
there is no other way
now go enjoy your gluttonous selves
on this fine charismas day.

March 5, 2009

"Left Behind"

In a world apart
it is so very hard
to find a place to start
to use the right words
that exist within your heart
oh, what I would endure
oh, what I would put myself through
to hold just a fraction of you
within my arms
to protect you from harm's way
to be humbled with tears
to shield you from the greatest of all fears
what a woman you have become
and oh, how emotionally dumb
I have turned out to be
now with my head upon my pillow
I am finding it hard to stop
I know that it is not you
but all with inside of me
how dumb I have turned out to be
yes, live for yourself
do not waste the day
let no one hold you from your dreams
let nothing that you want
waste away
for all time is precious
in its own little way
I search and I search
for all the words that I wish I could say
but upon searching and searching
I cannot seem to find my way
to them, to you, to me
I may never see
for I am blind
but behind it all I hold a candle for you
and for each one the wind blows out
I will light another two
not all for being crazy or obsessed
but simply for a respect I hold for you

take care... I will miss you.

March 5, 2009

"Untitled" 14

What good is an unconditional heart
when there is no one for it to care for
when there is no one there to love
I have searched all over for the answers
here, there
below... above
the devils of fire
the spirit of the dove
I am losing my faith in love.

March 6, 2009

"Untitled" 15

A world full
of hate and love
a glove that I cannot escape
a hole agape
chaste by that of silk and of lace
I meditate upon grace
for no release
a heart of fleece and of feathers
I long for
to shield me from this terrible weather
an immaculate embrace
the caress of a kiss
is what most I miss
with arms tightly wrapped around me
to stare in one's eyes
and dissolve away time
to step back from this terrible place
without this all
what do I do with this empty space
through a looking glass I do stare
at this ragged blonde hair and I ask myself
where do I go from here?

April 24, 2009

"A Temporary Retreat"

It is funny
to be treated like a freak
like a sneak
like some sort of beak
pecking at another's food
for survival
a revival of what has been lost
lost into the wind
I send an important message
to those within
watch the amount of pins
and protect what is inside
for there are many
who try to get within
I will hold them for you
but I cannot hold them for long
for strong is the power of sin.

April 29, 2009

"Some Way"

I sit here
in a pool of light
wishing so deeply to look in your very eyes
how I weep
how lonely the world feels without you
your scent still haunts me
and will until the end
when you came to me that night
and wrapped your arms around me
I gave you my all
my everything
and I now will never be the same
a part of me is missing
and will never return
I must stand up straight
and act as though a man
when all I am
is just a little boy.

May 28, 2009

"The Two Sides Of Every Story"

Like a twin
a part of me lies
in a deep... dark... place
while a side of me reaches way
way up high
for something... for a grip
if not for something
to move to higher ground
to something to grasp and just remain
this kind of thing
can be quite hard to explain
when people are out enjoying the sun
I am often missing the rain
when people are out whoring around
I am often living like a nun
I can't lie and say I don't get lonely
and that over all... it is all that fun
but I am just simply who I am
I hate meeting a beautiful woman
and turning into a jam
when I run out of breath
and people cannot see who I really am
I am told that I give myself away
I do not know
I cannot say
sometimes I feel so trapped
so claustrophobic here on earth
like a caged animal
my spirit so desperately wanting
to leap away
so very far away from here.

June 1, 2009

"Untitled" 16

Imagine your plane crashing
in the ocean
and you have survived
swimming vigorously
with a broken leg...
or broken arms
sinking... sinking...
alms for these people
tears flow and my candle is burning for you
some strange sadness
souls churning
make my death swift
sift my soul in a hurry
dearest God
who or whatever you truly are
have mercy on our souls.

August 30, 2009

"How Do You Feel"

How do you feel in your skin
does it mirror what lies within
have you become strong through the years
or have you become a victim to the tears
what steers your consciousness through each and every day
do you smile to keep the ghosts away...are you, you
or are you some pretty doll pieced together
and held tightly by glue
while coming loose at the seams
there seems to be a world at play here
the work of holding me together
by myself, not our failed plan to do it all together
a job becoming hard to weather
you see, I have lost my mind and with it my kind
a product of this earth and a victim of birth
belonging out there... in space
in the darkness where the bliss still exists.

September 14, 2009


Surround yourself
with all of your pretty little things
strike the match in your hand
and then grin at the flames
the product of a child deranged?
we live in a world that is strange
like the one half of another man's face
that I was just staring at
soldiers, terrorists
I can not differentiate
but them both I so want to hate
both of your sorry asses
belong in hell, a divine hell
all your own
no home for you
only a cut or two
to remove your heart and soul
since they are no longer being used
murder is murder
war = death
and then Fuck You.

March 27, 2010


Look Alive!...
light a torch afire
flickering, fluttering about
a new day is arising
a new consciousness is beginning
and a new stage has begun
burn it all
burn it to the ground
destroy the chains that bind you
destroy the heart as well
ground yourself to nothing
for your bondage is over
stare over there
that is who you were
and this
is who you are.

June 19, 2010

"Shooting Like A Star"

You seem fragile right now
and I feel your heart of gold
pain transforms us into our best
the many buildings, the four walls you called home
they all hold their part
in making you, who you are today
we are all special
and here you are, shooting like a star
how special you are in your own little way
your struggle has not gone unnoticed
a delicate flower, has much more power
than many would like to give credit
this is for all of the hard times
in your life
this is for the tears that were shed
while lying at night
this is all for you
and all that you have sacrificed
God's love smiles apon you
and I admire your beautiful mind.

June 29, 2010

Untitled" 17

I have cried
and I have cried
for these emotions I hide
which I can not bare to conceal
a single moment longer
for it feels as though it is killing me
so very much went in to making me
and it took so little to break me down
how it hurts to want someone in your life
and simply can not do anything about it
I would do anything to hold your heart
where ever it would lead
where ever I had to start
i'd travel to the farthest reaches of space
and i'd do it all again
i'd travel any place
to see and feel a smile on your face
I would put all of my hopes and dreams away
like children must do with their toys
all of this
and I must let go
it just hurts... you know
a special person has entered my life
and I will never be the same.

November 6, 2010

"A Passion For The Sake Of None"

With no good sence
I put down twenty pence
to buy a little sanity
for myself
a tune up for a mind
that is lacking
and to a body
that is falling apart
only givin art and a double sized heart
that doesn't even work right anymore
because I have this desease
was I a whore?
do I really have to put up with it
I have no faith left in people
only a belief that they are all evil
yet I am compelled to love some of them
I do not understand all of this
what is it all for?
I am aware
that somewhere along this journey
I became lost
to think that it all mattered
while witnessing others dreams become shattered
listen to me when I tell you
nothing... lasts forever
the more comfort you find here
the more difficult it will be to let go of this world
I have never found comfort here
and so
I am ready.

Marh 24, 2011

"Untitled 18"

Give me a solid piece of earth beneath me feet
I am at wits end
in an attempt to defeat
an enemy where the odds are against me
where no other support is there to back me
may I become an angel?
and help others like they have helped me
I imploy you to employ me
and take me from this street
may I wash these feet
so that they are worthy of your house
may I be forgivin of the losing of my spouse
I have tried my hardest
givin it my all
so that your opinion of me does not fall
have mercy I beg you. . .
to relieve the trauma of it all.

April 7, 2011


Show me delicate love
with flush red petals
but I look to you
and you are not there
I rush to save you
and in a hush you silence my unsteady heart.

April 19, 2011


I am dirty
I am un-clean
all my mistakes can be seen
my dearest God
bath me
may I see these things wash away
may I have a day when it can all be easy
I am not a man
I am the flesh heart
and you know me.

June 12, 2011

"Untitled 19"

I have seen the death of love
I have seen the dyeing of the womb
I have seen these things
and they hurt with misery
I take a large breath into my lungs
I hold it and begin to sink
down here
where we all live and cease to breathe
where the heart is no more
where all is consumed
by the lonliness that life has to give
I am searching for a flux.

July 27, 2011

"Heart Work"

Fuck the heart
learning to cut out and remove
the parts that no longer seem to work
those things
memories, love, and all that shit
throwing it all away
with a smile on my face
I hate this way it makes me feel
the big things
the little things
and all the lies
it is all the same to me
it makes me nervous
it makes me not trust
makes me see the worst in everone
and the world for just what it is
the heart
what a piece of work
and could it not have been
like an appendix.

November 27, 2011

"Untitled 20"

On this day
nearing the end
the womb now in decay
and a heart no where to be found
I have emptied a hole of it's earth
beneath the ground
hair, blood, and flesh pollute the soil
the boil that was human kind
gurgling, bubbling sounds I hear
as teeth, eyes, and an aweful stench appear
it was all bound to end
and you just couldn't see it coming
even when it was on your very own face
a sort of mace
to keep the love locked away
a precious metal no longer being mined
you've over tenderized the meat
and are now forced to sit and eat
from the cup you have so many times served.

January 6, 2012

"Untitled 21"

I send a whisper to you
has it arrived
can you hear it
in a giant box dressed so pretty with a bow
lay a heart
and it is all for you. . . . . .
while on a journey within myself
I stumbled upon it
as soon as I saw it
I just knew it was for you
what a strange beautiful rhythm it has
I myself, I can not seem to understand it
nor do I like the way it makes me feel
it is like an animal in a cage
how must we tame it
and how must we contain it
I tried so hard to leave it where I found it
I did. . .  I swear I did
with a mere glance I lay possessed
I attempted to burn it. . . and all the rest
take it from me. . . now
And never see me again.

March 19, 2013

"The Clarity Of Solitude"

To be in a beautiful place
to feel this way I feel
I have to reach out with my hands
in an attempt to grasp
what is or is not real
what is it that I will need
to heal this part of me
to start down that road
but though there is a clarity to solitude
there is a weight to woe.





Copyright Owned by Wesleyoung. 2013.

January 5, 1995

"They're On Their Way Home"

Days and nights
sitting alone
all these people have left
and are on their way home

they are not in danger
and they are not so scared
unlike me and my mind sitting still
so dark and impaired.

January 7, 1995

"Will It End Soon"

Life is the most unknown creation
the mind and its thoughts
always wishing
for love and wants

deep depression is there
do not ask me where
maybe in your soul
or in a darkened lost hole

I am always feeling despair

do you ever wonder
why talents are not appreciated
why our life can so hurt
why pain was created

rage and sorrows
flow in our blood
even since the people
were caught in the flood

I am even sorry for hurting
and I am sorry for not being happy
but you cannot control the uncontrollable
like countless people laughing

it hurts, it hurts
could it get any worse
or should I just let go
to the world below

below are the people
whose put me in pain
eaten on my mind
and driven me insane

the winds blow hard
on this chilly day
getting away from these pains
there must be a way

dark dampened tears
sway in my eye
these pains in my heart
somehow must die.

January 10, 1995

"Your Dreams"

The nights you think
you are all alone
there are dreams in heart
and dreams of home

dreams of love and dreams of flowers
dreams of all our most desires

you will find some days
there is pain in life
and there are days to come
when you will be ready

just hold on to your dreams
for the dreams are pure
your hearts desires
no one's but yours

if only I am truly there
in your dreams like you say
it is people like you that keep me alive
and with people like you I will stay.

January 12, 1995


Being different can be good
but being different can hurt
feeling  so, so alone
like you are the only one on earth

emotions are just so painful
once you have tasted depression
it is there forever
it is like a debt never to be paid

you are like an untouched child of sin
but once it all begins
it will grow to you like rust
do you see the darkened red dust

it is rage, sorrow and anger
boxed in this little box called your mind
once it is there it is there
until the end of time

if you try to solve it
it will drive you insane
it just has to be forgotten
the sorrows and the pains

if people like me knew how to give up
we would have done it long ago
but we keep on striving for something
that hopefully one day I am sure to know

January 24, 1995


Moist chilling air
confusion in the eyes
emotion so lost
deadened skin
why the pains we feel
they fight like an army
do I understand
dark feelings deep within my heart
yes I can
sometimes to never walk away
escape the enslavement
desires of what isn't known
so, so sorry for finding the pain
it's really as fun as it seems
drop the candy and drop the lies
drop the fear and look in my eyes
like a hand so scarred
and a locked lock with no key
touching souls
when you are in love
but you know it is not their everyday
like a desire with sickness
cold and frail
shivering and holding myself in pain
rooms spinning
nothing's really there to stay.

January 27, 1995

"I Am A Failure"

I am a failure
full of remorse and regret
like giving things away
things that were meant to stay... with me
emotions that cling
and heavy as steel
all these pains
floating at the top
superstars and shooting stars
just what I don't want to be
like giving love away
love that was meant to stay... with me
a street paved in rain
skin with skin within
DNA structured with pain
rotting away the happiness missed
are we all driving ourselves insane
not the shine but the shadow of gold
much more beautiful than its shine
light like the lamp of the sun
man made from the hands of man
we are making all of these excuses
inventions made homemade
just sit under this tree of life
and sleep in its river of shade

February 6, 1995

"Maybe Happiness Never Ending"

It is a race to expose
these feelings in me
down, down and slowly
slowly consumed by me
from sun up to sun down
I am so sick of the
vertigo of addition
from within me
you know what I am made of
I am made of ice and snow
melting through this paper of hurt
slowly leaving the pain
the face of glowing more
glowing more not bought in any other store
no other store but mine
the emotions deeper than oceans
and its meaning so divine
years ago today
was the day I felt the pain
these days that go on and on
these days that are here to stay
standing here
holding on to nothing or no one
the tides that go on and on
someone to cry to
these tears of rage
maybe this is happiness
never ending.

February 9, 1995


Maybe something good
will happen someday
these pains, these sorrows
which path is the way
as far as a star
and as close as the grave
keeping going, continuing running
slay the sane
the small numbers will survive
and the larger will die
close to the heavens
and close to the sky
go to extremes
and grab the death
gain the energy of your arms
and end your breath
sick of the confusion
eyes so strange
kiss my lips
feel insane
hold me please
and touch my life
make me crazy
make me cry
and maybe then
I will become what is right

release me.

February 16, 1995

"I Will Always Hold You"

Dark and cold
my heart you stole
underneath my feet
the ground of old
you know what you did
the day you came
grabbed my heart
and ripped from it my soul
it seemed impossible
to hold on to
to hold on to dreams
to hold on to you
but that is just what I did
and what I will always do
until the day of my death
I will always hold you.

February 21, 1995

"You Knew I Was There"

You knew I was there
the feelings that were
the feelings of being scared
the loss of love
the sea above
the coldness of emotion
the coldness of love
you see my pain
that burns inside
you felt the pain
as it entered your mind
I hold your life
so close to mine
I kissed your lips
and you did not hide
you let me in
that hour of mine
I will remember till
the end of time.

February 23, 1995

"Sorrows Of This Rainbow"

the call of my own
I feel this sadness
by yourself and not alone
you are alone you low being
you are alone to the end
the end of time
until the end of my crime
suck away this pain
let it fall from life
the sorrows of this rainbows pain
the bottom of its soul
lose this beating heart of mine
lose it to its whole
drop to your knees
until it gives up love
but love cannot be lost
until you let it go
let it stay with your own heart
until the day is gone
my death, so misunderstood
will you leave it in the cold
will you leave it for good.

March 8, 1995


I am sick of my life
I am so sick of my life
not holding down this side of me
not knowing what it means
throwing away this rage of emotion
throwing it to their knees
I will pick you up by your hair
not even feeling scared
suck this pain that sits in my head
until it falls down dead
the cold dark skin
that's down within
feel it to its greatest
cry at the sight of my eyes
vulgar is the way
do not run, do not hide
do not throw it away
give me now just what I am wanting
do it till my death
until my life kicks my miserable ass
and sucks out my entire breath.

March 31, 1995

"For Their Sake, Stay Awake"

You know
just what I am thinking
just what I am feeling
what my mind is seeing
it sees my death
not long from now
how I will fade
I do not know how
but it is certain
the beautiful flowers bloom
jumping from the worlds own power
I am sick of the power
but so, I am living
only death will stop
this life of pain
but as strong as I am
and as long as I am still awake
for others own sake
I will not fade away
as long as I am here
you are special to me
for as long as you are with me
I will love you.

April 11, 1995

"Failure Again"

At failing I am the best
always doing what is wrong
better at failing than all the rest

I have lost my pride today
in front of earths every eye
in every known way

living for now and not today
the end of the line
dying for now and not today

is this my only way

you would think one day it would stop
and leave my crippled body alone
you would think one day I would drop

is this pain ever going to stop.

April 19, 1995

"Surviving The Game"

Frustration there
shaded under life's hair
beauty lies all around me
the confusion so, so deep
I am maybe wrong
pain is truly happiness
finally the answers after so long
I have searched and searched
beautiful rains ahead
dripping to this soft bed
sleep and dream of everything
if there were only no time
or is there enough
these pains of life
they're so, so tough
but here I am
surviving the game
and at the same time
laughing insane.

April 19, 1995

"Her Lips And Mine"

She truly loves me
I love her so
not just blindness
the times we have spent together
oh, how they mean so much to me
I have loved before but not like this
she truly loves me
her beauty I see down within
it is her love and mine
but death itself takes time.

April 21, 1995


This day
this day
of black and grey
remembrance of solitude
remembrance today
voices of the past
with echoes of laughter
over and over again
torched in pain.

May 3, 1995

"Nothing Ever Helped Me"

Laying dead in bed
with stars and souls all around me
staring down at me
nothing ever helped me
except your smile
I could see it and smell it everywhere
I love you and your smile
this darkness has caught up
I can now hardly look up
drinking deathly blood from this cup
I have almost given up.

November 8, 1995

"My Piece Of Peace, My Crumb Of Pain"

That was the night
that was the day
please... just go away
let me suffer in pain, in peace
I am the way
the masterpiece
can't you see my glow
euphoria in my eyes
please no
please go... away
leave me alone
leave me here to stay
this is my piece of peace
my crumb of pain
this way
I beg you to remain here forever
but whatever you do
please do not stay.

December 12, 1995

"Rustic View"

These days
seem to be dull in ways
shaded and darkened
in one thousand ways

this sadness
unexplainably beautiful
everything is useless
nothing really matters

orange and violet
just what can I do
to grasp and hold together
this rustic view

oh this shattered hole
within this patch-work soul
like countless points of needles
I am in bondage completely and whole

I am the color death
and not a shade of grey in my way
I am dead but I am alive
orange and violet leaves today.

December 21, 1995

"To Hell With My Consciousness"

This real day
in real ways
in reality that stays
with me
everything seems stuck to me

to me it is so covered up
oh, what luck
I have lived to eighteen
why did I make it this far
this hell and scar

go ahead and leave me
you were never caught up in the first place
go primp your face
the mask of hell

masquerade around the hall
and I did fall
to scratch my soul
this butchered hole

to hell with this life and its unawareness
to hell with my consciousness
I am so evil and wrong.

February 26, 1996

"What Went Wrong With Me"

I have lost these struggles for life
I have lost the will to live
crushing my body
this body of sin

no longer do I see the light
no longer can I breath with ease
no longer holding on me

I have done what I can
in this machine
but now I even hurt
within my dreams

what on earth could have went wrong with me
I do not know if I even still bleed.

April 7, 1996

"Just What Is This"

How low can I go
and how far is enough
if I killed myself
would it end this stuff
would I keep on beating
my heart to death
would I keep on breathing
form an accidental breath
just what is this
and what am I
dirt, piss, or sty
to hell with looking in the eyes
I am sick, I am hurting, I am dying
I am alive.

June 3, 1996

"This Is Simply Me"

In a troubled soul
there's always a black hole
with deep blue eyes

you can smile at me
but you know that day will come
to say goodbye to me

this is a place of emptiness and helplessness
this is a soul almost motionless
this is me

I have seen the mistakes and its people
but this is the world, the insanity
and this is simply me

of all the things in this world
what I beg for is free

just the feel of a healing tear
just a heart that I may hear
a single sigh

but at the day of my bodies death
I will have the peace that I have longed for
that was made simply for me.

June 24, 1996

"No One Has Done It Yet"

No one has done it yet
and that way no one regrets
these actions taken

there is an answer...

why can't the door just open
will my will open
or close tightly behind me
leaving a trail of blood

so many symbols in so many ways
so many voices that stay

an illness and also a way
to rest.

September 7, 1996

"I Will Win"

A minor detail
my eyes rolled back in my head
now dead in bed
a tiny bullet through the head
set the record straight
so it does not skip
my pain, like a heard of wild beasts
plowing through the soils of my brain
I am huge and insane
my whole message must be heard
I am sorry
sorry for not adding up
one hundred plus me equals none
but isn't it funny
I still won.

December 2, 1996

"Here And There"

I could have been a king
and you my queen
but life and its pains came calling

my soul dampened
my lips firm
and death itself keeps calling

my blood... a pulse
the trigger... a tone
but even in death, you are alone

just holding your delicate body
with my clumsy arms
I try... for you

I cry to you at night
even when you are not there
sometimes I am so scared

scared of the light
as well as the darkness
people can see my eyes there

I am blind, yet I see
here and there.
(life)  (death)

December 29, 1996

"I Am On Empty"

My aching head, heart, soul
my soul is of a corpse rotting
shit filled bones
shit is my heart, soul, head, whole
entire domination, desperation
I will get them all
my payback is hell
fuck the world bent wide open
fuck the company and mine
death will consume you, them, I
I will return
to haunt so many bastards
I will get them all.

January 4, 1997

"Little Wooden Boy"

I am scarred
and life has barred this relief from me
I do not know what to do with me
through all of this I see what others want to make of me
I have been carved
far, far, and away
you just cannot break from the day.

June 23, 1997

"Rat Race"

When he walked in
he saw all that was familiar
so approached on

things seemed like a habit
but it was actually his habitat that scared him

everyone saw the bad side
they knew...
they knew what he was thinking

a different attitude
came again
time to heal

at the edge he laughed
his grin firm
he was a step ahead

of the rat race.

July 1, 1997

"If You Wish Upon A Star"

If you wish upon a star
it matters exactly who you are
I asked if I would die someday soon
and shooting it came, as bright as the moon
death after all of this time
after I thought I had seen it all
all life's filth and grime
a feeling I will not regret
a feeling I cannot forget
over and over again
like always my friend
you never can win in the end.

July 4, 1997

"The Beginning And The End"

Just when I thought
things could not get any worse
my life and soul
slowly began to burst
Alpha... Omega
I began and I will continue
these days are darkened
these evenings slow
I only wish they knew
you know?

July 10, 1997

"A Desolate Place"

I am growing by leaps and bounds
I have walked here it seems forever
yet I do not know this ground
precise ideas about
things I would rather live without
I am alone in this desolate land.

August 3, 1997

"Between You And Me, They Know"

One, two, zero
this is a lot to say for myself
I just don't know

I really want to die now
I just feel zero
I just don't know

me alive
and me below
between you and me
they know

for almost certain
I pull this curtain
down where I must go

at least you get your wish
because payment I could not dish
I now die down upon this ground

to say I just can't live
be bound.

August 6, 1997

"My Angel"

To you I say
my little girl
I would die for

what I have done
is done
even differently
I could not have won.

August 7, 1997. Birth: Jade Teresa Gabriel Meehan

August 12, 1997

"I Drop To My Awareness"

Everyone knows one another
this metropolis of the senses
I sense danger

not anger
one question and unlimited answers
there is no reason

with this season
I season my awareness
but whose there

all aware
of the other ones stare
I compare

no one is there.

August 13, 1997


With these I believe
glowing black
this disease consumes me
perfumed stench
cracks in the walls
all in all
they will never fall
onward chattering about nothing
no need to waste the pain
are you listening to me think.

August 23, 1997

"Must You See"

This is me
as I am free
no one here believes

I see
as you see
this disease

even in comfort
even at sea
others do not see what is within me

over and over
I bleed
within me

can you now see
or must you see
what is behind me.

August 24, 1997

"A Road To Somewhere"

This road.. it is long
almost like we have always belonged
to each other
one another
happy with the other
feeling content with one another
I am scared but I am alive
this thrive to survive
to do again
what was right from within
this sin
over and over I begin
just to win.

September 13, 1997


Many times I have thought of madness
now stress paves my way
I cannot even breath
my stomach consumes me
I am hurting so bad
I talk to no one
no words could describe this distress
if I make it through this
I see more darkness these days
I am so scatterbrained
my heart hurts
I long for love, God only knows I do
my heart is broken into
I feel so lonely inside
it is amazing how quick you can drop
from the top

October 27, 1997

"I Can Be As Mean As I Want To Be"
There is a place in me
that I now see
where warmth becomes seen
through the fog
I have thought of the reasons
and seen the ending
this whole through which I am crawling
seems clogged
panic comes over me
and I hide
through consumption I cry
I am alone
at home they sigh
why? why? why?
because I am mine
I have done what I have done
because I can
not to show others
what they want to see
I can be as mean as I want to be
to me.

October 23, 1997


I was created
to create
yet I am not allowed to relate
to other people
alienated and alone
confused I see these bones decaying
becoming what I am from
these teachings I have begun
I think I am creating
my greatest piece of work
I created with my art
Jade is the color
of my heart.

January 3, 1998

"Feel Lucky"

Back here
group's crash
and yes you see
it is me again
the same old in true
yet different
I have felt emptiness before
but the truth
truth is, I am alone
I feel comfort from companies
yet I still feel alone
I need someone
desperate in words
in speaking
I am sad like always
to just simply hold someone close
to cry
my words are always the same
these journals make
what you could have seen
feel lucky you
never did.

January 20, 1998

"A New Order"

A new order is about
scream, shout
hurl these flames down
all around
visual shadows fluttering out
from behind the walls
I am about to breath
inhaling stones
cutting blood
many times I have ran away
hiding in holes
something like old memories
I grasp these familiar echoes
a heartbeat of life
and then you go.

January 24, 1998


I see the release
and I believe this need
I feel but yet smell
a new fragrance
a new breed of rising
climbing out of me
I notice small whispers
ashes today
dust tomorrow
this is the life I see
this is the breath I breath
inhale me.

February 3, 1998

"Dead End Drop"

I am on a dead end drop
and I can see
that I am nearing
the end of me
there are no principles
in life that I follow
I see
I drink
I swallow
hollow is my head
hollow is my brain
I rain.

February 19, 1998


Almost Uncontrollable
this rage
non uninflatable
but largely distress
I just may seem
a little wrong
you just cannot see
this help I need
I cannot seem to bleed
one chord holds me here
and I jump
I jump everyday
what seems to me
to be the way
I feel mad
but deep in the mad
I feel sad.

February 23, 1998

"Dark Seed"

Can you believe
what is within me
a demon
a scorched soul
who stole
this purity
this innocence that once grew around me
I could never believe
underneath this body
was a dark seed.

March 15, 1998

"Differently In The Same Way"

Even in Sobriety
I am still renewed
differently in the same way
parts of me leave
and parts of me stay
not just my eyes
but also my brain dilates
I now try to relate
to my other rate of thinking
I am drinking a toast
that my host has prepared for me
differently in the same way.

March 23, 1998

"To Feel This Side Of You"

What does it take
to get to you
what is it
that I have to do
to see what is beneath us
me and you
I am under you
you are under me
I now see
a feeling of almost non belief
never have I been able to
feel this side of you
a puzzle fit
I must admit
it was beautiful
me and you.

April 3, 1998

"The Plot Of My Murder"

It is really hard these days
to be a man
to be strong
I live in an altered world
an altered state of mind
I see no crime
in what I am doing
an experiment in homicide
the plot of my murder.

April 6, 1998

"I Recreate These Eyes"

A pain I never knew
I feel so small
standing next to you
I see you smile
and I begin to cry
again and again
I clear these eyes
I see what we had
and then I sigh
all in all
it was goodbye.

April 10, 1998

"A Serge"

I have so much to say
yet there is so little words
from the bottom
I emerge
a surge of black emptiness
sweeps my veins
walking I see the moon
through you and I am blinded
yet I still see
I could never forget
me plus one
still equals none.

April 30, 1998

"I Am Now"

The unbelievable things
I see on this night
I could never explain
I cannot grasp what is really there
firm to the foundation
I see what life is made of
emotions are our backbone
our spine
I am more me in these beliefs
I see right through me
just what does pure emotion look like
well, I have seen it
it is remarkably beautiful
I see past the past
to the present
I am now.

May 1, 1998

"This Disease"

People are different
these days
changed in almost
miracle ways
the sadness in their eyes
deep...almost grey
I see their need for rest
some would even pay
just to know the way
but I just make them stay
here with me
I believe
there for I see
the way things must be
this disease.

May 16, 1998

"A Desperate Rebirth"

These five years
I have seen much growth
I have seen plains
that others never see in a lifetime
I have felt like no other could feel
yet unlike others, I do not heal
I see and I sometimes get scared
eventually I will tick no longer
and all of me shall rot alone
like every other
a desperate rebirth
and in flames
comes another
this is the second from none.

June 19, 1998

"I Die Every Day"

I die every day
I cannot seem to find the way
back home
alone I sigh
if I only could just scream or cry
from this end I cannot hide
with you death
I so often seem to ride
tonight I leave with you beneath my belt
no one to blame but my own self
I put the wrongs upon the shelf
it felt black
I know now that my misery is not only back
it never left.

June 24, 1998

"How Can I Believe"

Look at these eyes
look at this face
I just must find my place
in this world
I must say goodbye
to this outer space
no longer shall I chase
these broken dreams
this whole world seems
wrong to me
how could I believe
in what I see.

July 5, 1998


this is the
this is the sensation
that I feel
I kneel in this wave
tracing my legs
I will move different
influenced hum
I'm no bum
I am everyday
moving this way
sliding amongst this haze
I graze my mind just one more time
to learn the ways
to an altered state.

July 16, 1998

"Every Once In A While"

Everything seems to bend
all tend to come from these pictures
in my head

everyday I do my best to obey
I always seem to make all of the choices
right some way

every time I try to rewind
I cannot seem to revive these old memories
of those days

every once in a while
I tend to travel that extra mile and see
what is ahead

everyone in the end is dead.

July 27, 1998

"Teach Me To Fly"

Dear Jade
I feel so afraid
that I may never see you again
within you my child
flows my blood
will this flood ever recede
I would have never believed
that we could be this far away
it all seems like just yesterday
your heart was next to mine
I could never begin to describe
this emptiness I feel inside
without you my beautiful baby
all I seem to do is cry
I miss you and I love you
all I need to do is hold you
and look into your big blue eyes
it is all in a matter of time
please Jade Gabriel with your wisdom
teach me how to fly.

July 30, 1998

"The Bottom"

Everyone thinks I am crazy
I think I am crazy
but you are not crazy
if you think you are crazy
all of this seems so damn hazy
I do not know what is real
and what I remember
all seems to have happened
way back one December
my sanity
so surely dismembered
this all will end me
inside me this space
this unheard of place
it sits and it waits
until the perfect day
I seem so eager to delay
I just need one real reason
to stay
is there even a way
to get away.

August 2, 1998

"A New Book"

We sing
we fly
we rot
we cry
we stick our fingers
in bubble gum pie

we hurt
we ride
we gather
with pride
we stick our lives
in super glue tides

over the clouds
we pull our feet
the bully, the pest
the runt of the fleet

life it sucks
for all to see
a new book
for the you and the me.

August 7, 1998

"You Just Do Not Know"

My child is love
when I think of my child
it is of love
not hate
everyone wants to hate
the whole world is down on me
I want dreams for my daughter
and nothing less
people will see her little face
and will not forget
to my last dying breath of life
this child is special
magic is there
laugh, shrug, but this child
will be an angel.

October 3, 1998

"Behind These Eyes"

A little over two decades
such a cascade of memories
this time of mine
ongoing it winds
I climb and I climb
but just how high does this ladder go
Oh, came a voice of question
how high can you go?
and so I thought
and after a moment
I realized... I really did not know
so I asked the voice
how low can you go?
swiftly came a reply
to hell
and I said, oh dear voice
even there... I am from below
so he looked into my ear
and with shock he said
I just could not realize
that even though I live at the bottom
you were from below
so at that moment, I gave farewell to the voice
and started then again to climb
and on an upward glance
I knew I had no way of telling
how long these hands could go
so onward I rise
I think people just do not realize
what is behind these eyes.

December 8, 1998

"These Ways"

These days
they remain the same
these ways
I have illustrated
they remain the same
there is no way to get away
from these ways...
of thinking
I see so much in the sunsets
that you gaze upon
the sun in these eyes that set everyday
no longer see in color
but in black and grey
what do you do
when you have lost the way
and you see yourself going...

December 12, 1998


There has been only one
to grip my heart
it seemed certain from the start
that something was different about her
what we were
was true love
how did I let her go
did I not know
what a rare young woman
I held at heart
a heart I now hold in two parts
why couldn't life had granted us this one gift
yet alone I now drift
through a fog of confusion
with visions of her.

December 16, 1998

"Show The People"

No longer am I a starving artist
yet I am a dying one
through all of this time
I thought I had won
this energy is gone
what a balancing act... what a line
I seem to hardly even notice the sun
since when was wishing for death such a crime
if it were you it would be just fine
for your own personal fun
so get the fucking gun
and show the people
that you my boy
killed and won.

December 19, 1998

"An Impact"

The years seem to fly by
so few hello's
so many goodbye's
will I continue to try to hide
or will I awaken
and learn to fly
all I know is
I will continue to try
I just grow tired
I see so much
through these eyes
have I made an impact
on these others lives.

December 29, 1998

"A Few Words, For Better Or Worse"

I am dying
along with my art
and my heart
I am a failure
like always
everyday... the same day
I am sick of playing
I am grounded
no longer can I fly
all I want to do is die
over and over again
we all seem so good
at sin
where do we all begin
to overcome this end
of you and I.

January 7, 1999

"Little One"

Each in our own world
yet together
we create one
what is out there
or shall I say
what is in there
little one
we have not yet begun
to understand
what we can do with these hands
we give life and then take it
I do not know if I can make it
little one
I sometimes feel that life
has begun
to fail me.

January 9, 1999

"A Reminder"

Since you've had a bad day
I just thought I would say
thank you
it is the simple things
that make a difference
a good day... a bad day
there seems no resemblance
but yet they are alike in one way
it seems so easy to feel glad
that you still have the things you will miss
sometimes we have to swallow
these pains that are very much still alive
I do understand that it's not everyday
that someone
can hide that love you two
created inside.

January 11, 1999

"A Spirit"

A spirit of some kind
has lost its wings
may day, may day
is this day the harvest day
some type of demon
has lost its wings.

January 18, 1999

"Looking Through Looking Back"

endlessly through space
like time
velvet galaxies
I am alive
such a brilliant sight
and I thought
yeah, I just might
let go
such great new worlds
all untouched
I never thought there could be such
such places
no old faces
staring my direction
although these sights
seem of a long lost reflection
I once had seen as a child
looking through looking back.

January 25, 1999

"Untitled" 1

Of all the jobs others must do
it is the hardest to be an artist
you do not chose this job
you are born with it
as well as being born with the worst madness
and having to learn to live with it
this duty... I mean
this job
I would not wish this loneliness
this lost feeling
to any poor soul
yet I would kill if it were to be taken from me
you see...
its different inside you
to what is inside of me
if only you could look through these eyes
you would have to learn all over again
just to see
I promise you
you would not want to see the things
within me.

May 9, 1999

"Just A Glimpse"

What does it take
these days
to communicate in ways
of understanding
to be understood
with understanding
I am only trying to get a glimpse
of that beating heart
lying over there
although I am scared
I would display my very own
I do not compare
but oh how I weep
and end by putting myself to sleep
I miss those days
and those ways of feeling
when happiness was real
and time seemed to stand still
if only it were possible
to just hold and feel
these memories deep inside me.

June 12, 1999

"Within You"

Oh baby
how crazy
you make me
so many could easily break me
but how quick you piece me back together
with strips of leather
whether you understand
the feelings behind the words I speak
these words compare so bleak
to the way I feel
no one... can steal away my heart
because my heart is locked away
within you.

August 13, 1999

"This Other Half"

There comes a day
when one must say... I do
to love someone
and to be loved
when bells must ring
and friends must sing
your first true love
your last true love
you just could never get enough
of those smiles
and after all that time
and all those miles
you again see that smile
that you wish would have never went away
but on this day
my dearest brother
you will not only marry this lover
but you will learn to defend
and to become one
with this soul mate
this other half
your friend.

August 31, 1999

"Our Fall"

It is not easy knowing
what you and I know
and it is not easy
to live with this dim glow
all these years of growing
and all these years of hoping
for that eternal sigh
all these years just to cry
it was you
and it was I
we did our best
to learn to fly
but here we are grounded
our fall had almost sounded
like relief
now non existence
without assistance
the flesh had a thought
but the mind
not a sign of resistance
the world could not continue to hold from me
what the world had left out.

September 3, 1999


An Enigma
looking for the answers
to an enigma
a stigmata
in this world and that
perhaps there was just a gap
between mishaps
and misfortune
what seemed like a lifetime
became only a portion
in this involvement
of enthrallment.

January 5, 2000


Remember those times
when we seemed real
remember those times
when we seamed to feel
the cold float by
I remember times
when the leaves were orange
and life made me so... so high
although orange was never a color
in this grey world
I remember the rain
upon my face
and when roads
would always seem to lead me some place
time was always on our side
but on these later days
it sits
and it hides
why? we ask...
why do we have to go and die
well, see my friends
time was always yours
and time
was always mine.

January 12, 2000

Song: "BZ"

When the smoke had cleared from my face
I could see the bodies
of my friends all around me
black was the skin from the burns
and now red was the color of their hair
no despair
could have prepared me for this
I looked down to see their blood
upon my hands
dripping down from the hands of our own government
my mind is just to busy
for this BZ
its big brother you see
that made a corpse out of you and me
we as children were taught to fight fairly
but no one taught USA
on that day
to practice what they preach
I reach for my weapon and see a whole in me
severely hemorrhaging
you see, Charlie was not the only enemy
yes, you do your best
wash those souls away.

January 15, 2000

Song: "Militant"

At night you seem
to lay your head to rest
so easily
while the rest of me
is still shivering

I am awake in a living hell
and I can't tell
just how I will turn out to be
you best awake
and take that duty personally
I will haunt you in your dreams

Mr. Politician
I will be your next prescription
I will cure those acts you make
and I'll take, ill break
those poor little heads

I am homed in on you
yes, it's true
one day I'll make mense meat out of you

there is not a cure
but this vaccination
is headed in your direction
to look at the two
this disease and you
a reflection made in heaven

Mr. Politician
my wonderful and ignorant prey
I pray everyday
that we'll carry your bones away.

January 24, 2000

Song: "Propagate"

This memory
of this

breach birth

life you see
is free to me
we look
for a meaning

a new breed
a seed
a new deed
for this shivering
this new beginning

two of me can now be seen
we can not copy
this will be the being
the beginning
of the end.

January 29, 2000

Song: "Temper"

The black... and the dead
my wings... are spread
a bone collection

a son
this one
was fun
Hitler... temper
over the edge


made perfection
but possibly

February 2, 2000


It came in like a hurricane
I cling to an image
overpopulated planet
yet they desire
to clone every inhabitant.

July 2, 2000

"A Small Moment In Time"

A mind
a time for peace
a release from these ways
I wanted the predator to stay
I grew stranger
to be more than just a prey
but a prayer
a layer you didn't see
a grief inside
a homicide of the tow hearts
an act of being apart
we could only decide
on one answer
a majority enhancer
a substantial retreat
a feeling not quite so sweet
like the love I felt inside
emotions I could not seem to hide
a pride that I could sacrifice
as these cubes of ice begin to melt
I will continue to feel the feelings
that I so often felt
I seem to have been dealt
the wrong hand.

August 3, 2000


She turns to me and smiles
as I turned to her and smiled
I could almost notice the miles
that we were away
away from that same world
that we two walked each day
no one else could make me feel
that same way
those sunny days we would sit
and those cool nights we would lay
I would have done almost anything
just to get you to stay
I know it all seems crazy
but no one else makes me feel
quite this way
there will come a time
and there will come a day
that, that passion we feel for each other
may crumble and fall away
but I will always hold close and remember
that flame we caught and lit
on that sunny pathetic day
and I will always remember
that no one else could have made me feel
so bitter... this way.

December 2, 2000

"Chips On Their Shoulders"

This seed
this creed
a religion based on greed
power trip
your grip slips
A whole existence
tipped upside down
down in the skin of a wrist
a chip
a power trip
your freedom tipped upside down
your soul torn out.

January 25, 2001

"Some Plan"

Our minds
and our lives
they have seen a lot
some plot
for this man
some plan at least
could have banned him from here
couldn't have mankind
had a better deal
will we ever grieve
a need indeed
we all breed
in different ways
I feel we'll all feel
this comfort someday.

April 20, 2001

"The Thorn"

Energy I will become
from his body
I am grown
twisted and burning inside
from the soul
dealt and worn
whelped and scorned
and these, these are my horns
God, please help me
but careful
I am the thorn
you cannot love the rose
unless you can respect the thorn
I mean
I never asked to be born.

March 1, 2002. Birth: Lilith Isis Omega Young.

April 20, 2002


I once was real
but in a need to heal
I slipped away
far away from here
far below hell
where no yell could save me
we all try... don't we
to play this fucked up game
but think back
way back
I just can't remember asking to play
to be born of an alcoholic, child molesting father
and a mother of adultery
I just can't remember when the dice
directed me to witness all of this death
and this breath of life
doesn't smell like freedom
how can nothing
feel so much
like something dying
forever, only a tear
will accompany me here
below hell.

April 23, 2002

"Dearest ........."

I am not
who you thought I would be
I only wish
I could have told...
you that first
that you were just not like me
I am different than you
but I guess in the end
your simplicity will leave you happy
leaving me to mend
yes, I do tend to hate you
and yes, I hurt to, lust like you
doesn't that make you happy?
and now, I am not there for you to be mad at
and that makes me so
very happy
I will miss you
you will hate me
God, please bless us both
the end.

August 1, 2002

"Into The Hating Of Hearts"

What kind of man
could one had thought I was
and to not understand me
yet witness and be flattered
by these images from my hand
a vow of love and anger
a lie and a turning of backs
leaving me alone
and here I stand
hating these facts
where the mind is rotting my soul
and a heart
that is beautified by a crack
I will never understand this thing called love
thank God
for death.

September 2, 2002

"Clouded Amber"

Here I sit
so wanting and waiting for a return
that I will not get
a feeling I have learned to be weary of
yet a response inside me
that will not allow me to forget
how tragic a heart can be
when it can be so easy for someone to forget you and me
and how hard it is to just live and breath
when feeling this way
and in a need for one last piece of advice
now how must I get myself to sleep.

September 29, 2002

"When The Sky Had Opened"

The moment of clarity came
and for just a time
our lives opened our hearts
to a thing called love
and we became more
than just a product of these United States
and then the sky opened
where the light cleansed my eyes
and I could clearly see the world that I was in
where the flesh
is rotting our souls.

November 25, 2002

"A Giving Of Thanks"  

There are friends we pass
and there are friends we leave
but it makes no damn since to me
why we sometimes play the way we do

why we take on some days
and give on others despite our struggles
we are human
and we make no damn since to me

here without an answer
gone without a reason
and here I am alone and freezing
so what must I do

will I ever find you?
just what must I do?
to locate you
the answer to this question I mean

we look and we search
high atop mountains we perch
across oceans where nothing supports our feet
as a caravan with a blinded fleet

this answer lies within our hearts
that place which conceives our art
from which we think we understand
well look no further my friend

for love life and you shall love to live
there our meaning comes clear
so wipe away your tears
and our struggle will begin to end.

December 7, 2002

"Big People Forget"

Finding what we are
is knowing what we were
and I liked me less than you did
actions that cannot change
but things I will leave behind me
I will forget no one
and I will be forgotten
the writhe... it has begun
and writhe I will remain
even in hells fire
my love for you cannot be changed
through us all, I am not the same
we are all so alone and delicate
when we are hurled into this world
and oh... how big we think we get
but we must never forget
the power of our innocence as a child
and yet how small we really are...

December 18, 2002


The pixels soon become the eye
all seeing , all knowing
the callous of life reins down
a part of us will perish
the spoiling of the phallic and the womb
I wince and I weep
as we orbit this piece of the galaxy

pungent we are
in this reality we have created
and I have become so jaded
jagged is the blade of our swords
as we walk them excitingly
as though Jacobs ladder
like nothing really matters...forever
we rape ourselves
then we look in the mirrors with smiles
we must then... have deserved this.

December 20, 2002

"Entering An Atmosphere"

A star that got lost
on it's long journey home
where the sun did not rise
a single heart beat alone
accented it's moan for love...
a tragic shine from within his cell
some type of hell within him
quite a large blaze that arose from the gaze
when lonliness began smothering the flame
a lot like something like rain

looking out of his vessel
his mind painted pictures
of the times he had once thought was real
the time when he ran so far up the hill
to grasp the young hand of a soul with his will
only falling way down so hard to the ground
with a lingering chill, he thought he had found
a world not round
a place where things did not change

onward he screams to no one it seems
load down the hall to a god that is silent
for some type of help
at mending his seems
things are never... what they seem
with this he learns
to let in a smile
so that a beginning of an end
can become of this trial
with so little miles left ahead of him

This landing marked by violent motion
not completed or perfected
has built a new vessel...
and on a beautiful sun risen day
he will aboard his ship
and sail away.

January 1, 2003

"Two Thousand And Three"

On 2003
this is not a berceuse
for I am bereaved and hurting
from a loved one who sees
what is becoming of me
of this flesh and this heartache
it is so hard to be
this man that this world
is expecting me to be
such a challenge...
for someone who wasn't meant to be
but I will be me
and that you will see
that I can love just like you thought
I could not
and with your hatred
i'll tie a new knot
for someone like you...
? need a challenge?

January 10. 2003

"To Love You Without You"

Everyone hates me
and I love them for that
a reason to hate me
and I respect them for that
a real... tender heart
like mine
a distraught manner
in a way of understanding
a way of equality
a love for you
I respect that
I love you girl
I miss you
and I miss that...
way you would kiss me
that way you would hold me
that way you told me that this was forever
and that it was over
that understanding that you had enough
a tuff... goodbye
and rough goodbyes I have become used to
I don't hate you
because we are a part of each other
and I will struggle
to love you without you
in a jungle where I am renewed
where I fall in love with shadows.

Copyright owned by Wesleyoung. 2013.
Summer 1993

"After Life"

I walk toward a severed light
No sorrow... no pain
none in sight
I feel happiness all around
a giant golden river
flows across ground
my life is full of love and meaning
it all feels like a new beginning

Summer 1993

"Last Breath"

The Darkness
it is all around
cold and wet
I am all but found
my eyes roll
my ears fill
my lungs burn
life slips
and one last breath
emerge from my lips.

August 31, 1993


Water surrounding
darkness appearing
I am moaning for help
but no one is hearing
the pressure
the pain
only one last breath
I so wish to gain
at first I was scarred
mentally impaired
now I am alone
this cold blue place
I now call home.

August 31, 1993


She felt like truth
she spoke only lies
when we were together
I could look in her eyes

she made love show
in her own little way
but something there
did not want me to stay

she spoke of happiness
she spoke of love
but when it came to the truth
push came to shove

I believed the words
that only she spoke
why didn't I know
that our bond had been broke

her cold heart
her empty eyes
I just did not know
her love was disguised

I loved her dearly
but I was not smart
I was only blinded
by her blackened heart.

September 2, 1993


A million things
can happen in one second

the end of the world
my life could die
my soul could fly

I could breath with the trees
I could run with the seas
I could walk on the moon
or grow with emotion

I could sing with the birds
I could stand with the sands
I could talk with the night
or in my sleep make permanent plans

the world could stop turning
the sun could stop burning.

September 2, 1993

"The Greed Of Man"

The earth flows
as if water in space
its precious soils
and its needful life
the seas and the oceans
tide with the moon
yet with one man
it all can die
we put anger before love
life before death
God bless our dear souls.

September 3, 1993


The clouds roll over
the rains fall
predictions are
it will destroy all

huge hail
falls to the ground

the waters flow
the waves roll in
all people will die
if they do not believe in

the skies are blackened
the moon blood red
if you are marked guilty
you will burn undead.

September 7, 1993

"Gods Bloom"

He speaks of wars
he speaks of love
it is the true word
of the great one above
he created all worlds
he created the earth
he is responsible for all
including our birth
because of him
our souls flow
our bodies grow
and roses glow with such a smell
when I die
I will be up above
in a magnificent garden
god built with his love.

September 7, 1993

"Last Moments"

Water drips
upon the street
it gently runs
between my feet

the leaves are damp
of today's rain
my body lies broken
yet I am feeling no pain

my vision is blurred
as I lie here cold and dying
my body is so numb
while my family sits crying

I give my love
to my dear friends
as I take a step closer
to more important plans.

September 7, 1993


I see now
I am all and none
alone and one

my life walks
its own little path
feeling all feelings
the reasons that I am living

the breath of life
burns through my lungs
this mysterious world
for which I love

I do not know why
I walk this earth
but it was meant for me
as was my birth

September 8, 1993

"The People"

Blue and red
the people fled
into their homes
where they have lived and grown

now they are changed
discolored and strange
their eyes so hollow
it is them, they want you to follow

their life is wrong
they have grown so strong
the sounds you hear
erupt your ear

now they are purple
slender and long
they doubt love
yet good is still strong.

September 9, 1993


Death comes
like a thief in the night
the first striking pain
distorts all sight
the pain is not that of hurt
the pain is of scare
it is just the thought
of having beware
it is the beginning
like a flower in wilt
after death
no pain is felt.

September 9, 1993


Words of anger
words of slang
puts me in agony
and puts me in pain
saying their better
leaves me in rain
their arrogance does not know
that we are all the same
they feed upon money
which they put before people
but we are all just alike
under the great golden steeple
their feelings are negative
their love is so hollow
they think everyone should be
just like them and follow
to them my love is crazy
to them it is so cold
but my love comes straight
straight from god.

September 9, 1993


Birth is first
death is last
my life is of
darkened glass

it is a little blurred
and hard to see through
it doesn't matter if you can
as long as I do.

September 10, 1993

"I Am One...I Am None"

As I lay here
cold and shaking
all people can say
is at least you are still living
but they cannot feel
the way I do
they only see it
from their point of view
I lay here in pain
with nothing to gain
I can not see
I can not speak
I can not hear
I can not fear
machines make me breathe
to prevent me from death
why can I not die
I have nothing left
I do not know if I am alive or dead
I now have no soul
although, not once have I bled
I have no arms
in which to move
only forgiveness
keeps the pain soothed
I cannot live
for I have nothing to give
I am one
I am none.

September 14, 1993

"Only Way Out"

As I pick up the gun
and think of my life
and what I have done

I can see no other way out
as soon as I desire

I want death now
but it is not knocking at my door
so all I can do
is put my foot to the floor

as I hold the gun
to the side of my head
I wonder if I will have wings
once I am dead

I think of my rights
and I think of my wrongs
but now I must sing
just one last song

loves all the little children
all the little children of the world.

September 14, 1993


It is me
it is me
only me
I am alone, but free

freedom is mine
but I don't care
my life is so short
and I am so scared

people work against me
so I work alone
my severed body
my only home

people laugh
like I am not the same
I am just a puppet in life
with four golden strings.

September 20, 1993

"My Vision"

The earth is black
the sky is light
it is not dreams
it is my inner sight
I feel the warmth
I feel secure
I have no doubts
and my soul is pure
the darkness below
is fire and hate
some are going down
they do not know their own fate
as I move above
I feel the love
the happiness and joy
from when I was a boy
I love this life
I love this light
as I move closer
I see the most beautiful sight
I see the Lord
and his giant heart
with his arms open
and spread apart
he has a gleaming smile
upon his face
his love is so strong
strong with grace
as I enter his heart
his love goes on
now it is someone else
for which I am gone.

September 20, 1993


Why,  why
why is it this way
why is my life so strange
why do I hold in this rage
why do I hold in this sorrow
why cant I cry
why cant I release this pain deep down inside
my life is so held down
life in this era has changed
you cannot be free
unless you have the money to be free
this country doesn't care about its people
anymore than any other country
people aren't the way they want to be
they are the way others want them to be
some people are just so blind
drugs, money, fame, just makes us
slaves, puppets
slaves are held by force
puppets are held by strings
if only we could open our minds
to release the pain trapped inside
as I have released these feelings
onto this paper
may you know how I feel
as of my love and anger.

September 24, 1993


This life
this pain
I think I am going insane
my love
my anger
converts into pleasure
this life is so simple
my mind is so complicated
my work on this earth is not appreciated
I must please myself
as you once did
my life is an auction
from which you must bid
I walk this path
for which I have cleared
I walk it in sorrow
because I am feared
people see me as dirt
they see me as nothing
my life to you is plain
but to me it is something.

September 27, 1993

"Your Soul"

As you awake
you spread your wings
your life is now gone
no more needful things

your hair is long
your body is strong
there is no more pain
no sin to strain

I lift my head
I eat the bread
I drink the wine
it is so divine

my body is cleansed
from out to within

an echoing voice calls out slow
little angel...little angel
may I see your soul.

September, 28 1993

"Release Me"

This pain
it is over and over again
it goes on and on
never needing to re begin
the pain hurts
twisted confusion and sorrow
that I am forced to swallow
my feelings are broken
I have no one to tell
leaving only to put me
in my own private hell
please let me out
set me free
take my feelings
and let them be
hold me tight
and don't let go
put your arms around me
and let your love flow

into me.

September 27, 1993

"The River Of Life"

It runs through me
like rivers of the earth
it has been with me
since my birth
it makes me see
it makes me breath
it gives me rage
I am this cage
it is red like fire
but dark like winter
it can make me grow
or make me wither
it is my inner love
my inner needs
I do not have to doubt
because I believe
it gives me darkness
it gives me light
blood is
the river of life.

October 1, 1993

"Set Me Free"

I am a disaster
I was here before
I am here after

the moon shines down
for I am sick
as I lay here among
these broken sticks

the falling stars
catch my eye
as the beautiful fire flies
fly on by

the dew settles down
in my spread hair
death no more
gives me a scare

I select my path
under this darkened tree
all the pains of this world
may now set me free.

October 7, 1993

"Standing Alone"

I am lost
I am free
all you people
just let me be

I am not perfect
I am not exact
I am just standing here
pushing forward back.

October 13, 1993

"No One Really Knows Me"

I lay here
thinking of this pain
I have been taken in vain
I am just me
I am not insane
I have boundaries
but I am not caged
so reframe
I feel I just may die soon
then this pain will go no further
I will leave all my love behind
for a place for us that's better.

October 20, 1993

"Lost Love"

Pressure of love
release of pain
life is so...
so strange
when I die
I will lay my weary head to rest
releasing this agony
of pain in my chest
I will let go of this life
that no one would accept
if only you could have understood
but now no time is left
I am now gone
I have accepted death
I kiss these tender soils
for which I'll be left
you could not understand
just how I lived
but this God forsaken earth
burned this love that I had to give
I am now with someone
that gives me happiness and certainty
but these stains of pain from this rotating planet
will stretch from here to eternity.

October 27, 1993

"Follow Me"

Do not hold me
do not be me
just follow me
until the end

I will show you things
that you have never seen
I will show you feelings
that you have never felt

you will experience pleasure
and you will experience pain
you will open your mind
and let your soul free

I will take you beyond
this world of hate
I will open your mind
and lock the gates

you will walk my minds path
and reach my insanity
only in my sorrow
never in reality

Do not hold me
do not follow me
do not be me
I am the end.

November 3, 1993


This anger inside
drives me insane
it opens my heart
and floods me with pain

my love is trapped
it cannot get out
just let me free
for crying out loud

my sorrows within
leave my body through crying
without releasing this love
my heart is dying

I will say no more
for I am lost
this burning insanity
will tag my last cost.

November 9 1993

"Second Insanity"

My blood so red
my insanity so black
this weight of others hate
puts strain on my back

I shed tears of sorrow
I scream bursts of anger
I will live a short life on this earth
although I am in no danger

only one person now
holds me together
the name I will not speak
but their love is forever.

November 10, 1993

"Death As I Know It"

This rage of insanity
this frustration and anger
this pain and horror
things around me are looking more and more
on the edge
of death and sorrow
I must let myself go
no one must follow
I go only alone
for no true reason
for you it will be strange
but for me this is only a new season
no meaning of going
my time just ran out
I will just lay here dying
I cannot do without
no blood will spill
no winter chill
I will walk this line
now it is all mine
no more confusion
no more wonder
no more pain
no more hunger

I will close my eyes
lay here and die.

November 11, 1993


My heart is all boxed in
this tiny darkened space
that's ok because one day soon
I will die and leave it all
then I will grow these giant wings
and then my heart can't fall.

November 29, 1993

"The Brave"

The hills all around
the skies of red
as the proud brave people
laid there and bled
our armies and government
so corrupt and wrong
we stole their land
and burned their homes
they once worked the land
they once hunted the wild
as too, their women
give birth to a child
we thought they were strange
but oh we were wrong
we thought they were sly
but they too could cry
they were too proud
to give up their land
so they fought for it strong
always to stand
they were always here
and we were not
we must let them be
Now! we must stop.

November 29, 1993

"Pain... Internal Pain"

I need nothing
nothing at all
I need no money
I need no popularity
I need not impress
any one person on this earth
I need not have to express
or show importance in my worth
I do not have to show
feelings I do not feel
I do not have to do things
that are against my own will
insanity at its greatest
is exactly what I am
drowning in this frenzy rage
all my life I've swam
please someone hold me
I need so bad to cry
to let those tears drop free
before I give up and die.

December 1, 1993

"You Never Know"

Some of me touches the edge of sorrow
some of me touches anger
to myself am I fair
or to myself am I a stranger
as I brake down to cry
and the tears roll down from my eyes
I sit in confusion
asking myself why, why, why
I hold myself close
for there is no one else there
no one else to hold me
no one else to care
I fall to my knees
needing to hold someone close
but you could not be there for me
when I needed you the most
I cried to you that day
never wanting to leave
but for some reason I knew
this pain would never ease
I guess this little heart of mine
will have to say good bye
for now... I will lay my head to rest
then I can smile
and die.

December 3,1993

"Just The Way I Feel"

I guess I just sit sometimes thinking
thinking of what is beyond life
if it is stranger often in sight
I wonder of the pain of death
or if there is really any pain at all
I think sometimes of how painful life can be
how cruel people can be to each other
and put anger and hate before love
life can be so dark and depressing sometimes
madness and insanity at times
doubt and sorrow on others
all you can do is hold yourself and cry
cry to let all the pain out
sometimes it helps, sometimes nothing does
I guess I have had this so long that I now have a dependence
I do not know how I would react or feel without it
I think I would feel kind of lost
I have times when I need someone to hold
but sometimes expressing these feelings to others
is a hard thing to do
I guess there is not much you can do about it
I just need to cry although I can't
I have tried, but I can't.

December 6, 1993

"Secret Tears"

All the people around me laugh
for I am withered and small
as to a corner I crawl
like dead stars I fall
that's just me
that's all.

I cry to myself
secret tears.

December 7, 1993

"Hold Me To Free Me"

Why do we love life so
when it is so full of such pain
we live our whole life
with nothing to gain

I have such strong emotions sometimes
I sit and think of the loneliness
the pain and the sorrow this world has to give
of the nothingness, the emptiness

you cannot tell anyone these feelings
it seems only a woman I can tell
but she would not understand me
and this caged in hell

I cannot let go in words
I can only let go in emotions
but there is no one to cry to
so I hold it in notions

Someone please help me
I ask in such pain
hold me tight and don't let go
as I lay here in shame

If only this paper had a heart beat.

December 7, 1993

"Letting Go"

With a broken heart
I lay here with death
in the palm of my hand
I have stood here long enough
no longer shall I stand
my bloodied finger tips
run slowly across
your tender soft lips
now I will die
with one last kiss.

December 7, 1993

"Why Not"

why not tears
they release this sorrow
that is trapped inside me

why not monstrous anger
it releases this insanity
that boils within me

Why Not Just Death.

December 8, 1993

"Over The Sun"

I guess I wonder on sometimes
wondering of good and evil
death and temptation

it all seems strange
grey and darkness all around
the mysterious things to be found

skies of scroll
mountains collapse
the world on fire

nothing any longer is in my way
the sky is forever

alone... no one else there
yet shadows of figures
surround you

they attack but not just with desire
but with the desire
of temptation

they test your will
and weaken your strengths
pulling you to your knees

they feel you with a need
for pleasure
a greed

as they control your body
you dream and vision
your all desires

as they rip from you your soul
they take your life by hand
as they lay you there to rot
they search for another stand.

December 15, 1993

"Smileless Clown"

I am not a puppet
I am a clown
a clown that does not smile
a clown that wears a frown
because it is the only expression
of the feeling that I have found
and you may have noticed
no make up to hide my face
not a laugh or a look in the eyes
for happiness
there was not a trace.

January 5, 1994

"Are You Willing"

What is the difference
the difference between you and me
we both live and breathe

I love, I live, and I die
and  the same for you
rather love one or two

I guess we will all open ourselves one day
willingly or afraid.

January 5, 1994

"It's Been A While"

It has been a long while
since I have thought to myself
at least it is not wealth

always thinking but never doing
the things that are important to me
the things that let me be

it does not really matter what others think
I am myself
and no one else.

January 20, 1994

"Unmarked Key"

The sun falls
the moon rises
desires and temptations
darkened surprises

you feel you are blind in darkness
because it scares you
although insanity holds on
as you want the pain soothed

the longer it holds on
the more you will desire
the need for escape
not blackened fire

for he holds the key

to Death.

January 26, 1994

"Some Times... I Wonder"

I guess it is not really death
but uncertainty
not really knowing just what happens
it seems sometimes people look past me
thinking they could never be the way I am
thinking that I am so different
maybe I am
in appearance
but I can hurt to
inside me is an old soul
so please.. be patient
not worrying about others words
but others lack of love
why be like everyone else
why not just be yourself
I wonder sometimes.

January 26, 1994

"Blood Is More Than Life"

What do you think of my world
is it what you expected

I wonder now if I should have welcomed you
stopped you and mended your broken tracks

the blood has been drank
the darkness to light
you will desire my blood
your cells and mine... they fight

I will show you pleasures that only I can give
you will mimic life but you will not live

my blood
is it what you expected?

January 28, 1994

"Love Is Strange"

Love is different
it has no end
among it
you must depend
it is hard to come by
the person that is right
but when you look into their eyes
you will know it by sight
they will be there when you fall
from the highest point of hope
you will climb back up their love
the strangest strand of rope
it will never die
if you show it all your love
from bottom to above
people look at me and think
how I am... and how I look
but they are the truly blind
they don't know the pride
that they took
you think I act like a child but I just love to see your smile
I guess I should have known
your love grew wings and had flown... away.

February 2 1994

"Behind Us"

I haven't any left
why do I keep going on and on
what is the point of me
I see nothing
I can love
I see beauty
but no one else sees love in me
for who I am
they cannot look down into my heart
they just glance at the me that shows the smile
but behind it all
I am hurting inside
holding in my arms no one

and I am scared.

February 3, 1994

"Pieces Falling"

My eyes
they are not soft
their full of pain
from being lost
hardened to a focus
lost within this world
my art
my words
they mean nothing
to others
they are my feelings of pain
my expressions
of helplessness
am I falling from life
losing all of my hope
I can no longer get it out
I am falling to pieces.

February 10, 1994

"Hard Times"

I find it hard sometimes
to sit back and cry
to let the pain all ease
and tears roll from my withered eyes

it doesn't really matter anymore
just how people see me
how they look at my words
or if they even try to see

I have been hurt
and I have been loved
but did they mean it all
was I taken by some

I guess if it is all over
all will go well
although I have always had the key
to this forever darkened cell.

March 3, 1994

"The Flower Of Loneliness"

I know I am a stranger
for you have not known me long
I am always here for you
nothing can go wrong

from the endless night
to the endless sea
do not be frightened of that lonely stranger
for it is only me

the dawn may set
before the darkness of night
no warmth to embrace you
no blinding light

but for the comfort of insanity
I will always be there
for no one else needs me
and no one else cares.

March 6, 1994

"Our Eyes"

To you I write
in a place so cold
my vision so burry
my eyes so bold

you have spoken of my eyes
and how they are different
my eyes are just lost
your eyes so glisten

I have yet touched your eyes
in the deepness of a dream
in a place I only knew
I only wish you have seen

I try your emotion
and see where you are all
but every time I get close
I just seem to fall.

March 7, 1994

"Love Is Like A Leaf In The Wind"

I just want to cry
crawl up in this body of mine
and sigh

I do not love death
but it answers my questions
and holds my expressions

do you no longer care
for the way I feel
or have I forever broken
our promised seal

I am so sorry now
for the things I have done
it was your beautiful heart
I thought I had won

I will close here
with a life of regret
I have solemnly paid
my slow dying debt.

March 9, 1994

"Over And Over"

I am reaching for death
on the palm of my hand
not knowing where I fall
or just where I stand

as if my life were the dawn
and my sanity the sun
as my life goes into the darkness
I am now the only one.

May 9, 1994

"Good Thoughts"

I am just different
as you may see
I am sure you sometimes wonder
what is within me
only a scorching coal within my stomach
and stained teeth
yet I get by
do you see signs of a struggle on this face
it is dark in here
please do not leave me alone.

May 12, 1994

"Another Step Taken"

Life is so long
and so painfully dead
all that I have done
and all that I have said

I would sit and think
life had nothing
and my love had sank

there I walked away
from the mouth of death
but as far as I got
I was still in its breath

I have still not moved
and I am sitting here
I want to die
but I am so, so scared

this pain cannot stop
for it hits me like rain
I must give up
I am so completely drained.

June 28, 1994

"Fare Well"

my petals so dark
so wilted and old
as tear drops fall
from my lips so cold
people want change
I only wish I could give
as they fight for such laughter
that make them forgive
as I sit in memory
so waiting to fall
you are special to me
feel it, that's all.

June 30, 1994

"What A Butchered Soul I Am"

What a butchered soul I am
fallen and hurt
again and again

so trapped and lost
over and over
I am dropped and toast

do you feel it and see it
so painfully strong
or am I again just wrong

like tarnished green brass
is this my first mistake
or is it my last.

July 6, 1994

"Am I Too, A Fake Hero"

Sleeping heavier by day
and less by night
as hard as I flap my wings
I am never to gain flight

I am a fake hero
I am burning out.

July 16, 1994

"Isn't It Amazing"

Isn't it amazing
what this world can do with its hands
paint a picture
although no one can understand

death and legends
Monroe, Cobain
is it just pain that makes them
it is so, so strange

rather staying together or falling apart
or rather just crying to yourself
thinking of nothingness or solitude
or is the world just different itself

standing with smiles with the sun above
or lying with death on your chest in the rain
medication, depression, it is only a commercial
for this world is insane.

August 21, 1994

"Who Always Wins"

Suicide, suicide
should I multiply or divide
suicide, suicide
open up or hide
crumbling to pieces
awaken, unleashes
falling apart
these pieces of my heart
blood lust
cover ups
but death itself
always wins.

August 24, 1994


Comforting eyes
desperation they speak
deeply staring through
the happiness he seeks
tears of relief
fall from my eyes
with constant agony
slowly to rise
the hypnotic stare
from my eyes a lifeless glare
that is cold as death
and as needed as breath
in every known way
as a dead end fragile smile
takes charge in its place.

September 6, 1994


Sometimes I am a puppet
and sometimes I am a flower
since I am left off of life's strength
I am losing all hope and power

my eyes will burn no longer
my stare so now in vain
life's pain for me keeps running
and took me from happiness to insane

my petals so fragile and bruised
my body so small inside
crying my life away
as it runs slowly from my eyes

September 10, 1994

"People Hurt People"

People hurt people
and sing it in songs
people hurt people
but they can leave me alone

I am sick of this pain
it is driving me insane
but I will hide it in my eyes
from now until it rains

the rain will never fall
from the darkened parched skies
for all the clouds are dry
as the redness in my eyes.

September 22, 1994

"The Heart Of Truth"

Lost Emotion
as deep as the oceans
as hard to understand
as the amount of desert sand

it hurts from within
said the tall dark man
as he knew the whole truth
with a heart in his hand

he said do not speak
for he would cause me no harm
as he comforted me
by his touch on my arm

I held the man close
crying with grief
tears rolling from my eyes
as for my pain... still no relief

I turned to speak to the man
with the heart in his hand
but when I turned and looked
he was nowhere to stand.

October 13, 1994

"A Little Star"

I stood talking to a strange man in the dark
and he pointed out a shiny little star
he spoke of how I could touch it
and how its distance truly was not far

the star was not as large as the others
and its shine was not quite as bright
but the feelings that poured from its dusts
proved that it was more than just light

tears began to drop from my eyes
and I slowly fell to my bed
I felt the rage and sorrows so familiar
as the star still shinned above my head

the star sits so quiet
bothering no one or nothing or getting in the way
it holds itself so high in the sky
although asking for nothing in its place

I knew then that the star was different
and that no one else could see
that the fragile little star shinning above
was only a reflection of me.

November 4, 1994

"This Fragile Child Of Knowledge"


November 29, 1994


Which hurts more?
life or death
I am running from pain
grasping for breath

my life is so painful
and my death is so sweet
I would probably die
if my heart skipped a beat

death comes at the end of our life
it will always come, slowly or fast
but God always saves
the best for last

no one understands
the aloneness of my life
but all will learn
before the sons great light

what is happiness
and why doesn't it last
I so hope it soon finds me
or my life may die fast.

December 16, 1994

"An Orchid"

There have been times in my life
where I have been lost and in pain
and there have been times in my life
when there was nothing to gain

I would sit back and hurt
so wanting to cry
but as much as I wanted it
not a tear left my eye

I know now that I am not a puppet
and I know now that I am not a clown
the feelings were only just a mask
for it bared an eternal frown

I know now that I am a flower
not just of beauty and love
but I am also an orchid of a garden
a garden that grows from above

please do not ever leave me
you do not know how important you are
my feelings for you may not show
but feelings and contentment are never far

you know just how I feel
and you know how my life so hurts
but as long as I have you
my heart will always work

December 27, 1994


Work, work, work
strive for more and more
but what other people do not understand
is that you are falling to the floor

trying, trying
never getting any happier
but never mind
I just do not have the time.

January 2, 1995

"The Pain Of Love"

Maybe my life has made new plans
maybe it is really ready now for rest
maybe legends do fade away
maybe more peace and happiness after death

how can people say my pain is not real
how much more real can my eyes show it
how much can people hate
oh... if they could only feel this

do I really need stardom or love here
here you have to suffer for it
if I am to become a legend
I just have to die for it

what if I do not need more years on my life
seeing I have grown so ahead of time
seeing my soul has out aged my surroundings
it is so, so easy to buy time

why not now
why should I go on
break my back for love
and my love just keeps wanting

I have loved so many
and been love back so little
how can hate be so easy to find
and love so hard to come by

Love is supposed to be wonderful
how can something so wonderful hurt so bad
it is so, so easy to say it
it is so, so hard to meant it

maybe I should run out of breath
and maybe I should not run from death
but with death so etched in my mind
maybe it is just a matter of time

maybe I will just give up
for it would be over so, so fast
for all the love I give
given back it never lasts

I am sick of life's pains
and I am sick of its pasts
leaving it all
I could do it so fast

how can such feelings be possible
how can they live in my mind
am I special or lost
or is the way I feel really a crime

maybe a crime in the eyes of others
and maybe a gift in the eyes of emotion
but I am so, so sick of it all
and to leave it all, I would go much further

just please love me when I am gone
because you will never see eyes like these again
but you will hear my sullen sighs of relief
every time you feel the wind

could I ever fall in love..... again.

January 4, 1995

"You Help My Life Survive"

Why does life have to hurt so bad
will it ever go away
will I ever grow out of this
does this pain always have to stay

why do I have to feel these pains
for they hurt so very bad
these pains that live in my body
make me so, so sad

I was born with gifts
I write and I draw
but do these gifts really matter
like a needle in the straw

I really do not know
just why I do not cry
maybe I just need a reason
or these wings patched to fly

you know you give me happiness
you have such beauty in your eyes
if I ever lost you
my emotions would truly die

the pains I have make me one
and the pains I have make me stronger
for all these people who have hurt me
can now hurt me no longer.

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